life.

"I want more life. I can't help myself. I do. I've lived through such terrible times and there are people who live through much worse. But you see them living anyway. When they're more spirit than body, more sores than skin, when they're burned and in agony, when flies lay eggs in the corners of the eyes of their children - they live. If I can find hope anywhere, that's it, that's the best I can do. It's so much not enough. It's so inadequate. But still bless me anyway. I want more life."- Prior Walter, as he dies of AIDS and an angel promises life in the heavens free of pain and suffering. Angels in America

thanksgiving.twenty14

Each year around the Thanksgiving holiday I attempt to sum up what the experiences of that year has left me most thankful for. Unlike the years prior, I have spent several days wandering the halls of my countless thoughts, unsure how to summarize my gratitude. But as I sat at the dinner table today with my partner and great friends, breaking bread and exchanging belly laughs, I realized that I had over-analyzed my thankful list entirely. I know, I know, big surprise there! Instead of pondering the many emotions that accompany life's natural and constant ebb & flow, I failed to recount the joy I have in my heart for simply waking up today with good health. I failed to recount the contentment I finally feel in my soul for having a warm, loving, beautiful guy to come home to each evening. And the wonderful friends near and far in my life, well that feeling of security they bring me is probably more than I deserve. Then there's the blood related family that loves me unconditionally and thinks I walk on water; they give me the peace in my soul that no amount of money or worldly goods could parallel. That mother of mine is a queen in my eyes. Being her son gives me the confidence I need to survive anything life's journey might hurl in my direction. She thinks I am silly for saying this but I know she was born to be a star. She outshines everyone when she walks in any room and she can melt the heart of the coldest being with her beauty and with the softness in her voice. But she is too humble for stardom. She needs no recognition and that's what makes her my lifelong idol. Finally, pride. If you're lucky enough in this lifetime you'll meet a friend or two that is more than just a friend. They don't even need to be someone you see often. They believe in you and would follow you thru the gates of hell and back to ensure your happiness and their confidence in you makes you levitate with pride. I call them cheerleaders! I am fortunate enough to have known a few, but one in particular deserves mentioning today. Kim Childress Rivenbark has proved her loyalty to me many times over and has had nothing to gain from doing so. She can be thousands of miles away and will sense my soul aching and knows just what I need to hear to give me the pride to peel myself off the ground and to stand against whatever oppresses me. Her confidence in me is inspiring as I wish more of us would strive to be cheerleaders. Again, I have a few other beautiful souls in mind, but they know who they are. Kim, thank you. Cheerleaders in my life, thank you. Jesse, thank you for loving me. Friends and family, no words will ever be able to express my love and gratitude for each of you. I am a product of my environment, and I am thankful for it. .

Beware of Destination Addiction - a preoccupation with the idea that happiness is in the next place, the next job, and with the next partner. Until you give up the idea that happiness is somewhere else, it will never be where you are.

fucks.

You’re born with a ton of fucks to give, so you spend them like a kid with a credit card. You give fucks about your friends, about your grades, about your fashion sense, about strangers’ opinions. You give way too many fucks about way too many things. You have so many. Then, as you get older, you have maybe 10 fucks per month, so you learn to budget them. You allocate fucks to family and career, but there aren’t enough fucks to give to the newest fads. Oh, someone at work has something they need my help with that’s outside my job title? I’ll do my best to allocate some fucks, but this month is pretty tight. Then, as you get even older, you’re down to 1-2 fucks per month, and those fucks are pretty damn precious. You give them to your family and your hobbies and your job, and that’s kinda it. It’s not your fault – fucks expire too quickly. I would’ve liked to save my fucks from when I was younger but I can’t. Then, you hit fuck insolvency. You’re getting like 1 fuck a year, and you have to make it last. So you go without, and even previously fuck-worthy things, you just can’t give a fuck. Some people run out really quickly, Some people have a fuck trust fund that pays out a decent amount even into old age. But at some point, the fuck faucet runs completely dry and you’re out of fucks to give. It’s just basic Fuckonomics.

regressive.mobility.

I want to go back to a time when I knew you. I wish I could have back the days that I would wake up next to you. I hurled insults when I was angry, like everyone does, but I want those words back. Turn back the clock and I promise to cherish every minute of our time together, wasting not even one second on my frustrations. I would have no frustrations. I would accept your distant mind just the way it is without question and consider it's shared presence a gift. I want to hug you again. I want you to nibble on my knuckle, blow your breath on it, then sniff it. You always made me giggle when you'd do such silly things as that. But, alas, the life I knew then barely resembles my life now. The faces I see each day have changed. The music I listen to, the foods I eat, the clothes I wear, even the car I drive; all have evolved. The only thing that remains the same is how much I love you. I have a new lover. He is devilishly handsome. He shares my spiritual beliefs and has many of the same talents as me. Sex with him is passionate and he makes me feel sexy. He truly loves me, and that's why I feel guilt for loving you still. He deserves all of me. I deserve to give him all of me. If you could turn back the hands of time I'd have quite a predicament, trying to decide whether I should allow my heart to evolve or regress. Fortunately, life doesn't afford us stagnant or regressive mobility. Our behaviors, however resistant, will only propel us toward our destiny. However, it's our choice whether we suffer by wasting time thinking of what 'could have been' or let go and float peacefully in the knowledge that the universe will place us at the same finish line we were always going land on anyway. It hurts to let you go but I must. You are forgiven as I too long to be forgiven. You are loved. We are free. Goodbye.

lights.camera.ella

Lacy, Toby, and Ella getting ready for the storm, we got a truck and heading for Mississippi and then Dallas. Time is running out and military everywheres and no one on the street. We weren't going to go? Ella was never coming back she said. She had already lost everything in Hurricane Katrina, including her mind. Jobs in New Orleans for the last three years have been a means to know where and slow. Miss Ella has to be going some where and slow is not her style. Lights, camera...Ella. And life in the ninth ward as Bywater Barbie in the mardi gras was aging her. Patron on ice please sir. Mike it a double. (written by Joshua Jones as he made plans to escape the hurricane in The Gulf and escape the life he knew too well.)

change.

The night groans in agony, victim to life's inevitable growing pains. Nearly all of those that once grounded me to happiness and stability have been scattered like the leaves of Autumn. Some only left my sight while others left the safety of these city walls, finding solace in lands far away. Then some have been snuffed out of this world completely, leaving survivors like myself to mourn in a quandary over what lies beyond the only life we've known. I will adjust. I always do. For what else can one do but accept that the only constant is change?

me.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/newu1671/80-signs-youre-an-intj-cz0z

dreamboat.

He’s perfect. He is everything I wished for in a mate. He is dark, mysterious, sexy, masculine, intelligent, stoic, peaceful, and soft spoken when necessary. Then he knows the perfect time to turn on the dominating aggression and take charge of any situation. He loves his family and he steers clear of drama unless a loved one is involved. He will cross oceans to mend a broken friend. He took a bullet for our country. He was ready to give up the only life he would ever have on Earth to protect the freedom of Americans from terrorists. But in spite of how perfect he is as my mate, he isn’t my mate. He’s just perfectly him. Yet he doesn’t see his perfection or even his worth. Something has broken his spirit beyond my comprehension, forcing his thoughts to grow so dark that he struggles to see any light in tomorrow’s sunrise. I want to scoop up his broken pieces, and hold them tightly in my arms until he fuses back together. But I don’t know how. I don’t even think I can. If only he could see what the rest of the world sees when they look at him. We see perfection. He’s a dreamboat … lost at sea.

The problem with most people nowadays is that they look for validation over appreciation, lust over love, looks over beauty, sex over shared life, advantage over opportunity, hate over understanding, and they would rather let you down than help you up. It is all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with those who appreciate you, rather than looking for love to compensate for self love deficit. (Facebook post by Alec Southerland)

red.

Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes. I tell myself it’s time now, gotta let go. But moving on from him is impossible when I still see it all in my head... burning red! Loving him was red.

"It is wholly illogical to believe that state recognition of love and commitment of same-sex couples will alter the most intimate and personal decisions of opposite-sex couples." - Colorado Federal Judge

void.

This morning I woke up feeling a little like my old self. The less than whole self that bleeds out into the universe with my thoughts scattered like ashes across thousands of acres of life; past, present, and that which isn’t guaranteed, tomorrow. My body feels worn and needing a tune up. My spirit has been driven without rotation, exposing the wire beneath the surface that holds me together ever so delicately. My soul aches for those who are hurting from loss. Friends and family alike have experienced great loss that is still reverberating thru the halls of their existence. Naturally, this means I feel the loss also. So I sit here watching the sun creep up on my shoulder, peeking thru the rainclouds as if to remind me that brighter days are just over the hill. The tears in my eyes make it hard to see that far though. Try as I may to climb over this hill and into the light I still find myself stuck in neutral, revving my engine but not making ground. And why do I miss him? He haunts me daily. Some days I hate him with anger that could bring down Jericho’s walls while other days I just miss him. I want to understand why and how he could shut out his best friend. Unconditional love is a dangerous thing, I see now. For when it’s not given in return it could turn a meek saint to a beast that feeds on the innocent at night. Because of his inability to love me I understand he had to go. The universe plucked him from my life so to make room for bigger and better things. The manifestations began to spring up the very day after I pressed the “block” button and sent our time together into a vault to be kept with other memories of my past. Though he had to go so that I may grow it doesn’t help fill the void in me. He left with a large part of my heart. Almost all of it. And now all I can do is pray I will be whole again someday.

so.alive.

I was fortunate enough to wake up to the following text from my boyfriend this morning. He is quite wonderful: "Good morning my love. Just wanted to say that everything about you, hair, eyes, nose, lips, scruffy jaw and chest, smooth stomach, gorgeous penis, hot ass, sexy legs to my least favorite... Yes even your feet are so beautifully perfect in every way for me. I hope you have a grata day at work and know I will think of you all day. I look forward to seeing you everyday. And you make me the happiest man alive. I will always love you and feel loved by you. I'm your in every and you make me feel so alive. See you soon my beautiful babeez. Xoxo Love always -daddy"

you.aren't.there.anymore.

"And I think missing you hurts the most when something funny happens. Because in that one moment I find myself laughing, and within the next second I want to tell or text you what happened. And then it hits me again, every single time, that you aren't there anymore. That I lost the one thing that mattered to me." Elisabeth Van den Abeele

reckless.abandon.

Witnessing yourself evolve without a purposeful effort is like gazing across the void at an old house crawling with builders busy with renovations. I am still surviving this life with the same body I was born to but it’s as if my spirit is watching the modifications thru the eyes of another being. I always loved with reckless abandon. I always trusted as if everyone is as honest as I try to be. At thirty the universe decided to train me like a warrior being readied for battle. Like a rock being polished to be a smooth stone at the hands of waves and sand. I never wanted to be jaded. I loved how big my heart was. But perhaps to do greater things in life I needed to grow tougher skin. Now I’m cautious to everyone’s intent.

almost.lover.

I cannot go to the ocean… I cannot drive the streets at night… I cannot wake up in the morning without you on my mind. So you're gone and I'm haunted. And I bet you are just fine. Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life? Goodbye, my almost lover. Goodbye, my hopeless dream. I'm trying not to think about you, can't you just let me be? So long, my luckless romance, my back is turned on you. Should've known you'd bring me heartache, almost lovers always do.

I don't believe you have to be better than everybody else. I believe you have to be better than you ever thought you could be.

millipede.

(A FACEBOOK POST WRITTEN BY A FRIEND, MATT HARDEN - I APPLAUD HIS WRITING SKILLS): I am a kind and benevolent ruler. Here is just one example as to why. I noticed a millipede in the downstairs bathtub this morning. He was just hanging out, like some false eyelash discarded by Satan. Assuming he could use his grotesque little body to find his way back to hell, I shut the door and went on with my day. Settled at home hours later, I remembered Satan's lash and I grew curious. I went to check on the situation. He was still there. He hadn't moved. My presence d...idn't rouse him. Cautiously, I blew a puff of air at him. Nothing. I thought him dead. With a tissue I prodded him. He was not dead! He was on the tissue and he was fast! I turned and turned and turned that tissue so rapidly in hopes of avoiding whatever he was planning! In an almost stultifying panic I managed to get him to the nearest exit. Sweet mercy! He is gone now and I am saved. If he'd made the slightest contact with my skin, you'd have heard his murder. Or, more likely, my screams before he ended me.

friction.fiction.

So there I was having just ran a marathon of errands with a friend and was rushing home to meet up with another friend and the roomie for what promised to be a lovely evening, when only seconds having parked my Mini I was ambushed by, not kindly ole Wal Mart greeters, but none other than the over-zealous girl (interrupted) next door! She had her dog leash in one hand, her cell phone in the other,... a friend following, and still found the space and time to run around in my business. She was Indian giving like it was back in style and pleading for an old worn out piece of wall junk that I had recently used to decorate my dank pantry wall. I assured miss thing that I had no grief over returning this beloved wall junk but the return of said junk would need to be postponed to a time when I wasn't sprinting thru my only afternoon off from the j.o.b. Fast forward about four steps later I suddenly found myself in a supermarket sweep showdown as she stormed my castle to repossess what clearly wasn't even favorable to peddle at a Waxahachie Swap Meet supporting transgendered truck drivers globally. Doing the most! So, I'm caught in this tornado of my flying hot Starbucks, three cats diving for their lives, and a mangy dog belonging to this Blair Bitch Project, when I realize my front door is now ping ponging off her hoof, her sister's hoof, and her flying monkey's. I can't even bat an eye before realizing my arm is being pulled and, like a ninja with a black belt in Underwater Basket Weaving, she is on her Cryus Wrecking Ball as she remodeled everything that separated her from that $.99 bonanza made of plaster that she so desperately needed back in her life five seconds ago. Wow, I guess when one has a hankering for a yard sale show stopper (door stopper is more like it), you should open your home and life that needy soul until she has gotten her fix. How dare I make demands on the comings and goings of my own home.

beige.

Beige.    I have worn my heart on my sleeve my entire life and made no apologies for it until now.  Now I wear my heart on my sleeve with panic and apology.  No one can be trusted to cherish me as I have cherished the ones I love.  I have lived many lives already.  I have gone by different names and experienced life thru the eyes of both genders.  I have lived on the east coast, Memphis, Dallas, and Las Vegas. I grew up one mile from the intracoastal waterway, affording me the luxury of taking a dip in the Atlantic Ocean every night after dinner.   I have traveled as far south as a car can travel, Key West in Florida and South Padre Island in Texas.  I have been to Los Angeles several times and New York City more times than LA.  I have sipped wine from vineyards in Virginia and I have gazed at the Grand Canyon in disbelief.  I have spent a week in New Jersey and fell in love with the city of Hoboken.  As a child I competed in the Pine Wood Derby Race and lost in the speed category but won the award for most attractive race car.  I won the Christian Character Award two years in a row out of the entire student body at Cornerstone Christian Academy for being the most “Christ like.”  As a teenager I auditioned for Field Commander in the marching band and was chosen to be the first alternate to fill the conductor shoes when a third conductor was needed for certain field maneuvers.  I represented my church at age 15 in a state-wide singing competition.  I pre-recorded my own voice as background vocals and won the competition’s silver metal.  My senior year of high school I started dressing in drag on the weekends for the sheer excitement of exploring a world I had never known.   Soon after I became a drag performer and quickly developed a fan base.  During the few years to follow I was paid to perform in more than 17 venues across the Carolinas.  At age 23 I competed in my first and last pageant against some of my finest drag performing peers.  Almost all of them were more popular than I and some were arguably more talented but I swept thru the pageant like a hurricane.  I had an amazing team of friends and eight trained back-up dancers that helped me bring the crown home.  I have lived in breath taking homes and luxury condos.  I have had gorgeous furniture and expensive clothes.  I have hosted lavish parties with guest lists that included doctors, lawyers, and college professors.  I maintained a GPA of 3.5 or better throughout my high school and college years.  At age 26 I got a deeply meaningful matching tattoo with one of my best friends, paid off my car, and packed my life into the backseat.  I gave away or sold most of my worldly possessions.  I then resigned from my job of five years, said goodbye to my fiancé, family, and friends and decided to start my life over in a strange city where I knew no one.  In recent years I have gotten every job I have applied for.  Many times I have had to turn away opportunities because I was fortunate enough to be offered several jobs at once.  I have dated some truly fantastic people in my years on Earth. I was with my high school sweetheart, Jared, for seven years before we came to a mutual understanding that we were better as friends than lovers.  He recently earned the title Genius thru his career with Apple and has full custody of our wonderful Dalmatian, Dallas.  Josh was the fiancé I left in my rearview mirror after three years together and we are still best friends.  He will soon complete his PhD in Education and we try to catch up by phone at least once a week.  I have met so many remarkable people on my journey and carry so many memories in my cloudy head.  I have a few friends that are well-known celebrities.  I have more “best friends” than I can count on one hand.  I have a strong sense of intuition that borders on what some might call psychic abilities.  I play several instruments and possess the talent to play any others that I desire.  I outgrew my piano teach within my first six months of piano lessons.  He had no choice but to set me free for he had nothing left to teach me.   I can draw, paint, and write quite well.  I’m not super model gorgeous but most would probably rank me above average in physical appearance.   I have truly been a favored child of the universe.  So why do I find myself trying to prove my worth to you?  Why do I find myself begging for you to love me?   In truth, can I expect you to bring anything to my life that I am lacking?  Probably not, so why is my spirit so broken over you?  Today, the skies above me and the skies inside me are beige.  Today is beige.  I pray for blue. 

mask.

The hardly noticeable bags under his eyes make for a nice but secretive hiding place for his tears kept out of view from the world. A treasure chest filled with the pain he carries so effortlessly. His body typically falls asleep a few hours out of each day but his mind endures chronic refusal at such rest stops. He drudges thru each hour with the weight of the world on his shoulders, clinging to the assumption that nightfall will pay a visit as it always has before, offering fool’s gold for the flesh; mind-numbing retreat without substance. He runs his ship aground trying to pacify everyone around him, leaving no water left to keep his own soul afloat. However, his efforts to appease seem futile. His energy is depleted with the high maintenance that comes with wearing a mask… a costume to fool the world into believing he is more than just okay, when in reality he is anything but okay. He craves their love and approval. He needs it. And who could love a broken person? So he cuts himself deeper with the lies he tells himself and the lies he has sold to the world, draining more of his own life than before.

I loved him. I loved him with an unconditional passion that only poets write about. This can be attributed largely to my being able to closely relate as I too am broken. I am weathered but still standing tall. I tried to be a lighthouse to his storm battered ship but failed miserably. Perhaps my lighthouse is too worn with years, causing my light to dim. Or perhaps my light was too strong, sending him fleeing in the opposite direction. In spite of my deep desire to hold his broken pieces in my arms until they fused together a strong beautiful being, I lost him. I lost him to the shadows that lurk in the corners of this world and to the shadows that take up residence in his mind. Now all I can do is hope I planted seeds of growth in his life, shifting his course to calmer seas. But what if I didn’t happen to him, rather he happened to me? After all, I doubt I will revert to the man I was before he walked into my life. God speed, D.L.

weeds.

I am painfully cognisant of how this story will end. Are you? It's an age old story and history certainly has a penchant for playing the same tracks on repeat. Allow me to enlighten you... I will slow down, find a wonderful partner that treats me better than I probably deserve, and begin to rebuild the dream of stability I once had. You will continue running your body ragged and trying to fill the void in your heart with one night stands and short lived relationships. You'll seek me out and find me living in peace and that's when you'll realize I could have given you the life you always wanted. I could have and would have given you the moon and the stars. But it will be too late. You lost your chance at picking a flower because you were so distracted by the abundance of weeds.

people.always.leave.

I'll say hello but cautiously, Goodbye is lurking near. I'll meet anyone but surely They won't or can't stay here. Whether their stay is long or small, I can't ignore the sting. The boy was right after all, You can't promise a thing.... With or without intent to deceive, Sooner or later people leave. Siblings grow up and leave home, Grandparents drift above, Good friends inevitably roam And farewells replace their love. Even the one who takes your name And proudly wears your ring, Yes, even he will do the same, He'll eventually take the wing. Till that time comes you won't believe, Even so, people always leave. Though new love comes and feels so real, Though smiles may return, And time's magic has helped you heal, You'll never forget the burn. Soon photography and memories Will take each persons place. And the lonely, chilling, autumn breeze Will replace their warm embrace. Through the years you'll begin to conceive, Though they may come, people always leave.

Do you know why butterflies float? Fireflies light? Comets fall, trees grow, cats purr, and tails wag? ...Each is an aspect of the one who perceives them, disguised by the elements, caught in an act of reflection, noticed in just the right place and at just the right moment, to remind the dreamer, as if by metaphor, of their own sublime divinity and that there is ever more to learn and love ...about themselves.

into.my.lungs.

I smoke cigarettes to feel close to you. It's a habit we started (back) together and is symbolic of the downward spiral that was our short but beloved relationship. The mild high I get takes me to those clouds I walked on when I would spend all my free time with you. How can I love you so much when all signs that point to you say "danger?" I can't take a breath into my lungs without your rugged smile haunting my memories. I would give up my soul and my chance at heaven just to have one day wrapped in your arms again, with only your lips to nourish me.

Sometimes, stepping back is the very first step in moving forward.

The Road Map To Love Myself…

I have always found the idea of loving thyself to be a completely foreign concept. I even recall years ago I worked thru exercises with my psychologist to find that inner love and peace at the core of my being but here I am at 30 still grasping at air. I have to admit I am far more comfortable in my own skin now than I was ten years ago but with still so much road ahead. I’m reminded of a favorite quote from Samantha in Sex And the City: “I love you... but I love me more. I've been in a relationship with myself for 49 years and that's the one I need to work on.” I have recently experienced a pothole in my road to happiness. I was sailing into 2014 with a new look and a new attitude to accompany my uninvited but much needed freedom when suddenly I found myself down trodden again. That all-too-familiar feeling of abandonment is back and as heavy on my chest as before. I went and placed my happiness on the shoulders of others. Specifically on those I knew couldn’t be trusted with my heart. But I trusted my own ability to manipulate any circumstance to control/produce an outcome I desired. I take my recent knocks, though, as the universe’s way of forcing me to learn to depend solely on my own strength. No one was going to rescue me from this hell or coddle me during my suffering. This has been sink or swim and I am fed up with sinking. Along with my foolishly setting expectations on the actions of others I have also been living recklessly, indulging in anything that would take my mind off of my loneliness. Many nights I went without sleep and many days I went without eating. This behavior has forfeited some close relationships with true and honest individuals. This behavior has caused me to be lonelier than before. With a heart fed up with pain, I now realize the change has to happen within me and the blame cannot be placed on others any longer. After all, we can’t control the actions of others but merely our own reactions. So for the remainder of 2014 I am declaring The Age of Body & Soul. As for body, I am planning to throw myself heavily into sculpting my body to be one that I can be proud of. We only get one body in this life so why not have a body that you have always dreamed of? With the help of friends who are active in weight training I aim to build muscle and strength while improving my overall living and eating habits. As for soul, I am giving myself permission to stop caring about the social scene. I give myself permission to miss pool parties and brunches. I give myself permission to step out of social “relevance” and focus on building a life that leaves me feeling fulfilled at the end of the day. I won’t deprive myself of fun but simply set limits for myself that will free my spirit from the anxiety of feeling the need to be “involved.” Besides, some time spent away from the spotlight and in the gym can only return positive results when I do decide to step out again. In accordance with my soul retreat I have deemed it necessary to swear off romantic encounters during this phase of my life. Being a libra and a lover this challenge might prove to be much more difficult over time but I truly think that taking my eyes off of others and focusing that energy on myself will not only alleviate anguish of possible rejection but remove unnecessary drama and distractions that pose a threat to my goals.

water.

"Water does not resist. Water flows. When you plunge your hand into it, all you feel is a caress. Water is not a solid wall, it will not stop you. But water always goes where it wants to go, and nothing in the end can stand against it. Water is patient. Dripping water wears away stone. If you can't go through an obstacle, go around it. Water does." - Penelope's mother, a Naiad of Poseidon.... "Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves. Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.” ― Bruce Lee

free.love.

In recent weeks I have experienced extreme highs and extremely low moments. The balance I require has been lacking. I chalk this up to poor decisions on my part. With that, unfortunately, I have suffered loss of love from several people I cherished. I think people are quick to snatch away their love if they know it will hurt you. Hence, so many guarded hearts. As I was dancing with a good friend at 3AM in a dark nightclub I heard few words over the thumpa thumpa but I was soul struck when I heard the words “free love!” Love is the greatest gift we have AND it’s free. It costs nothing to love someone. No one has enough of it. Yet people are so quick to shut it off ‘cause of pride or anger. In the end love is all that matters.

ambiguity.

"Welcome back" he yells, as lonliness grabs me by my wrist and forces me into a dark cold room I have become all too familiar with. My cries for help have been ground down to a mere whimper. I no longer clammer for footing or a place to rest my weary bones. I know the drill so I brace my body with my back against the wall, let my legs go limp like noodles, and surrender to the slump. At least with the abandonment of being on the floor I know my position. No ambiguity. I hold no value to those I loved so deeply. What sin must I have committed that would sentence me to a lifetime of abandonment? Was I born to this fate or did I earn it with misdeeds? I pray for eternal slumber.

You don't truly understand someone until you know what they're not saying to you.

kaskade.

It's time you see the love you give is killing me and I wanna live. This isn't right, search your soul for light. So I turned and left, I told myself I could be, as bad as someone else but I find it hard, when an angel's on my right. But you held my hand and took me right back down to hell, I have an angel on my shoulder but a devil in my head. Won't you go? No means no. Our dirty life, is like a one man show. You're a night attack, you turn the light to black.

I am not afraid of dying. I am, however, afraid of dying alone.

boundless.

I want to live simply. I want to sit by the window when it rains and read books I'll never be tested on. I want to paint because I want to, not because I've got something to prove. I want to listen to my body, fall asleep when the moon is high and wake up slowly, with no place to rush off to. I want not to be governed by money or clocks or any of the artificial restraints that humanity imposes on itself. I just want to be, boundless and infinite.

not.the.doctor by Alanis Morissette

I don't wanna be the filler if the void is solely yours. I don't wanna be your glass of single malt whiskey hidden in the bottom drawer and I don't want to be a bandage if the wound is not mine. Lend me some fresh air. I don't wanna be adored for what I merely represent to you and I don't wanna be your babysitter, you're a very big boy now. I don't wanna be your mother, I didn't carry you in my womb for nine months. Show me the back door. Visitin' hours are nine to five and if I show up at ten past six, well I already know that you'd find some way to sneak me in and mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom. You see it's too much to ask for and I am not the doctor.

cosmic.love.

A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes. I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind. The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out. You left me in the dark. No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight in the shadow of your heart. And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat. I tried to find the sound. But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness, so darkness I became. The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out. I took the stars from our eyes, and then I made a map. And knew that somehow I could find my way back. Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too so I stayed in the darkness with you.

useless.facts.

1- The name Cicero in Latin means chickpea (aka garbanzo bean). 2- For the first five years of my schooling I attended a Pentecostal private school where two years in a row I won the "Christian Character Award" for being the most Christ-like of the entire student body. 3- I prefer little to no ice in my beverages. 4- Watching others brush their teeth makes me gag. 5- I brush my teeth with lava hot water.

vacancy.

(02.05.2014) I sit at the starting line like a lump of depressed worn out flesh. I am soon to embark on a journey to what is supposed to be "the mother land," afterall, these are the cities and people that shaped and molded the creature I am now. But it doesn't feel like the promised land. It feels like hell. A past that holds so many painful memories. I keep the trips to hell as infrequent as possible. If I wanted to stab myself in the emotions I would just save the money and treat this Wednesday evening like any other, hunkered in solitude making friends with lonliness and despair. Lonliness visits frequently and makes no matter to whose company I am keeping at present. I will find myself in a loud social gathering, surrounded by smiles and care-free banter, still feeling like I am the only one left of my kind. A single broken soul with a hole so deep that the sands of time could drain it's last drop and I will still have vacancy.

I literally find Dallas gay life to be nauseating. So many rotten pieces of fruit have ruined the entire batch in my opinion.

shiva.

Shiva, the destroyer, shares the divine trinity of Hinduism with Brahma, the creator, and Vishnu, the preserver. Shown here as Nataraja, or supreme dancer, Shiva becomes the supreme deity who at once destroys and creates the universe. Creation is indicated by the drum held in his upper right hand, as sound is the primary manifestation of creative energy. The flaming mandorla and the flame in his upper left hand symbolize the world’s destruction. The “fear not” gesture of his lower right hand offers protection, while his fourth hand, pointing down to his foot, promises salvation. One foot is resting on a dwarf figure, symbolizing the stamping out of ignorance, while the other foot is in a dancing pose that signals the release of souls to an eventual salvation.

01.11.2014

I called "time of death" on my date last night at 8:18pm. Probably would have seemed a bit early to most but would have been nice if my date was there to see my displeasure. A no call, no show? My luck with men is really starting to rank closer to Nicole Brown Simpson and less to the Kardashians like it once did. However, I always try to pull the silver lining out of a scenario and I felt quite accomplished when I awoke this morning spooning a brown bag half full of soy sauce packets and fried wonton remnants. Yes, my diet was shot full of holes by my evil Ambien fueled twin but this is quite a leap from last year's waking up next to an asshole and the years preceding when I would awake next to an empty vodka bottle. Actually, I take that back, I'm sleeping with Grey Goose tonight!