The Road Map To Love Myself…

I have always found the idea of loving thyself to be a completely foreign concept. I even recall years ago I worked thru exercises with my psychologist to find that inner love and peace at the core of my being but here I am at 30 still grasping at air. I have to admit I am far more comfortable in my own skin now than I was ten years ago but with still so much road ahead. I’m reminded of a favorite quote from Samantha in Sex And the City: “I love you... but I love me more. I've been in a relationship with myself for 49 years and that's the one I need to work on.” I have recently experienced a pothole in my road to happiness. I was sailing into 2014 with a new look and a new attitude to accompany my uninvited but much needed freedom when suddenly I found myself down trodden again. That all-too-familiar feeling of abandonment is back and as heavy on my chest as before. I went and placed my happiness on the shoulders of others. Specifically on those I knew couldn’t be trusted with my heart. But I trusted my own ability to manipulate any circumstance to control/produce an outcome I desired. I take my recent knocks, though, as the universe’s way of forcing me to learn to depend solely on my own strength. No one was going to rescue me from this hell or coddle me during my suffering. This has been sink or swim and I am fed up with sinking. Along with my foolishly setting expectations on the actions of others I have also been living recklessly, indulging in anything that would take my mind off of my loneliness. Many nights I went without sleep and many days I went without eating. This behavior has forfeited some close relationships with true and honest individuals. This behavior has caused me to be lonelier than before. With a heart fed up with pain, I now realize the change has to happen within me and the blame cannot be placed on others any longer. After all, we can’t control the actions of others but merely our own reactions. So for the remainder of 2014 I am declaring The Age of Body & Soul. As for body, I am planning to throw myself heavily into sculpting my body to be one that I can be proud of. We only get one body in this life so why not have a body that you have always dreamed of? With the help of friends who are active in weight training I aim to build muscle and strength while improving my overall living and eating habits. As for soul, I am giving myself permission to stop caring about the social scene. I give myself permission to miss pool parties and brunches. I give myself permission to step out of social “relevance” and focus on building a life that leaves me feeling fulfilled at the end of the day. I won’t deprive myself of fun but simply set limits for myself that will free my spirit from the anxiety of feeling the need to be “involved.” Besides, some time spent away from the spotlight and in the gym can only return positive results when I do decide to step out again. In accordance with my soul retreat I have deemed it necessary to swear off romantic encounters during this phase of my life. Being a libra and a lover this challenge might prove to be much more difficult over time but I truly think that taking my eyes off of others and focusing that energy on myself will not only alleviate anguish of possible rejection but remove unnecessary drama and distractions that pose a threat to my goals.