beige.

Beige.    I have worn my heart on my sleeve my entire life and made no apologies for it until now.  Now I wear my heart on my sleeve with panic and apology.  No one can be trusted to cherish me as I have cherished the ones I love.  I have lived many lives already.  I have gone by different names and experienced life thru the eyes of both genders.  I have lived on the east coast, Memphis, Dallas, and Las Vegas. I grew up one mile from the intracoastal waterway, affording me the luxury of taking a dip in the Atlantic Ocean every night after dinner.   I have traveled as far south as a car can travel, Key West in Florida and South Padre Island in Texas.  I have been to Los Angeles several times and New York City more times than LA.  I have sipped wine from vineyards in Virginia and I have gazed at the Grand Canyon in disbelief.  I have spent a week in New Jersey and fell in love with the city of Hoboken.  As a child I competed in the Pine Wood Derby Race and lost in the speed category but won the award for most attractive race car.  I won the Christian Character Award two years in a row out of the entire student body at Cornerstone Christian Academy for being the most “Christ like.”  As a teenager I auditioned for Field Commander in the marching band and was chosen to be the first alternate to fill the conductor shoes when a third conductor was needed for certain field maneuvers.  I represented my church at age 15 in a state-wide singing competition.  I pre-recorded my own voice as background vocals and won the competition’s silver metal.  My senior year of high school I started dressing in drag on the weekends for the sheer excitement of exploring a world I had never known.   Soon after I became a drag performer and quickly developed a fan base.  During the few years to follow I was paid to perform in more than 17 venues across the Carolinas.  At age 23 I competed in my first and last pageant against some of my finest drag performing peers.  Almost all of them were more popular than I and some were arguably more talented but I swept thru the pageant like a hurricane.  I had an amazing team of friends and eight trained back-up dancers that helped me bring the crown home.  I have lived in breath taking homes and luxury condos.  I have had gorgeous furniture and expensive clothes.  I have hosted lavish parties with guest lists that included doctors, lawyers, and college professors.  I maintained a GPA of 3.5 or better throughout my high school and college years.  At age 26 I got a deeply meaningful matching tattoo with one of my best friends, paid off my car, and packed my life into the backseat.  I gave away or sold most of my worldly possessions.  I then resigned from my job of five years, said goodbye to my fiancé, family, and friends and decided to start my life over in a strange city where I knew no one.  In recent years I have gotten every job I have applied for.  Many times I have had to turn away opportunities because I was fortunate enough to be offered several jobs at once.  I have dated some truly fantastic people in my years on Earth. I was with my high school sweetheart, Jared, for seven years before we came to a mutual understanding that we were better as friends than lovers.  He recently earned the title Genius thru his career with Apple and has full custody of our wonderful Dalmatian, Dallas.  Josh was the fiancé I left in my rearview mirror after three years together and we are still best friends.  He will soon complete his PhD in Education and we try to catch up by phone at least once a week.  I have met so many remarkable people on my journey and carry so many memories in my cloudy head.  I have a few friends that are well-known celebrities.  I have more “best friends” than I can count on one hand.  I have a strong sense of intuition that borders on what some might call psychic abilities.  I play several instruments and possess the talent to play any others that I desire.  I outgrew my piano teach within my first six months of piano lessons.  He had no choice but to set me free for he had nothing left to teach me.   I can draw, paint, and write quite well.  I’m not super model gorgeous but most would probably rank me above average in physical appearance.   I have truly been a favored child of the universe.  So why do I find myself trying to prove my worth to you?  Why do I find myself begging for you to love me?   In truth, can I expect you to bring anything to my life that I am lacking?  Probably not, so why is my spirit so broken over you?  Today, the skies above me and the skies inside me are beige.  Today is beige.  I pray for blue.