existence.
They say life goes on, and so it seems they are correct. However, I'm still waiting for it not to suck. Life without the one that completes me has been a forced display of the necessary motions just to maintain some semblance of acceptable existence.
skin.
I enjoy the fragrance of your skin. The daunting task of replicating it would only prove futile. For how does one bottle the aroma of fresh ambition in the morning? Moreover, marrying said ambition with the smell emitted by the color blue would be impossible. And not just any blue, but a royal blue... peppered with a hint of rugged masculinity. In the evening hours of yesterday, as I closed my eyes for sleep, I was struck with the unexpected, yet unmistakable fragrance of your skin. I was puzzled at first, as all linens you once laid upon had been washed many times since, but I decided to surrender to the mystery and enjoyment of the moment. The fragrance of your skin tucked me in, warm and cozy, before ushering me into my nightly dreams.
rebel.heart.
Today my spirit is simmering just below the surface of my skin, nearing it's breaking point I fear. A fear for anyone who disturbs this sleeping lion. My rebellion is built on the frustration from constantly being short changed. Feeling like I undeservingly always draw the short straw. But not today, and not anymore. I will come for anyone that pricks my already wounded heart and I will bring the armies of hell with me when I do. I plan to set fire to the souls of all the inglorious bastards that underestimate the fire that burns within me.
thorns.
I turn the handle of the knob so to alleviate any noise interruptions as I quietly guide my front door into it's closed position. With the world now on the other side of the divide, the raw emotions I had effortlessly hidden erupted like a pot of spaghetti sauce left on high and unattended. With all my weight, and the entire left side of my face, pressed against the backside of the door, I held myself in the lateral position, but the tears behind my stoic eyes surrendered to gravity's tug without delay. Here I was again, having just said my farewell to yet another lost soul that I had the pleasure of finding in this lifetime. A soul I loved from the first moment I laid my eyes on him. Scattered like the leaves of autumn, I pray we never forget this feeling of pain and beauty combined - like the most precious rose in the garden, unattainable because of it's many thorns.
dictionary.of.obscured.sorrows.
I admit, it’s perfectly alright to express yourself using only the words you inherited from your parents. It’s alright to put ketchup on everything, and only dance ironically, and never learn another language, and never fight and never make mistakes. It’s alright to go to a party and only talk to the people you know. It’s alright if you climb back down the waterslide, and wait ten years before you tell someone how you felt about them. It’s alright to die in your bed, leaving a vault of treasure that goes to the state. But if you listen closely, many of the words we use to keep our lives afloat are now hulking derelicts, rust-eaten and bullet-holed, piled up with so much baggage and barnacles they’re sinking beneath our feet. We should cut them adrift, set them ablaze and let them rest; they’ve done their work.
natalie.merchant.
Is she fine? So well bred? The perfect girl? A social deb? Is she the sort you've always thought could make you what you're not? Ooo, jealousy. Is she bright? So well read? Are there novels by her bed? Is she the sort you've always said could satisfy your head? Ooo, my jealousy. Does she talk the way I do? Is her voice reminding you of the promises, the little white lies too? Sometimes, tell me while she's touching you, just by mistake accidentally do you say my name?
divine.boyfriend.
Weirdo alert! So, 2015 has been the most incredible year for me as far as my soul is concerned. The shift has begun and I have stories of the divine's guidance in my life that have caused some to question my sanity. I'll certainly take the time necessary to share those stories, but I don't have that much time at the moment. With that said, I'll scratch the surface of my week and the message I have received loud and clear, via three entirely unrelated recourses. That message is simply "love yourself." It's a concept I've struggled with for years, but it's been made clear to me that if I'm ever going to be successful in this life I absolutely must resolve this issue. The universe has even sent me clues on how to get started. Several times last week I found myself preaching to my single friends that I thought I knew the answer - to become the boyfriend you desire. In doing this I figured you'd have less time to obsess over an undeserving boy whose affection you pine for, you'd developed a strong awareness of what you want out of a partner and will be less likely to settle next time, and lastly, you'll eventually attract to you the kind of person that you've developed within yourself. Not even a week later I was validated in my arrogant beliefs as two articles fell in my lap at separate times that basically summed up my aforementioned plan to become the boyfriend I wanted. Then, the third sign shook my very core and confirmed the divine energy of this vast universe was not only listening to me, but also talking back to me. I was turning down the sheets and turning off the lights at bedtime when out if no where my inner voice told me to grab the book off the shelf I had purchased over a year prior but had never read. (I remember when I purchased the book I had no clue why I even bought it other than I was drawn to it. It wasn't even along the topic of astrology which was my latest fascination and my reason for visiting the book store). So I decided to pull said book from my dark shelf, and as I turned it around to remind myself of it's title my mouth must have opened so big it could've doubled as a boat slip. The title was 'Finding The Boyfriend Within: A Practical Guide For Tapping Into Your Own Source Of Love, Happiness, and Respect.' I started reading it immediately and had to force myself to put it down an hour later so that I might get rest before sunrise. It has lit a fire in me and I have never been this determined to fall in love with myself. I now realize I can't spend another moment of this life complaining that other people's actions or inactions are the reason for my loneliness or dissatisfaction. Sure, that's the easy explanation and I could probably even convince you that I am the victim of other people's misdeeds, but I can't lie to the world or even myself anymore. I want to break these chains and be free to accept love and give my love to the one that earns it. I don't want to continue this cycle of snagging a handsome fellow, falling hard for him, then watching him walk away as I'm forced to pick my own self up off the floor. I used to get angry at these men and angry with this supposed curse I live with. My loneliness was my only friend most nights. But I'm thankful, beyond words, that my eyes have been open and I now know it isn't those men at fault. The root of my problem is I'm not happy with who I am. The source of my unhappiness is that I don't love myself. That changes now!
i.feel.
INADEQUATE: /inˈadikwət/ •adjective• lacking the quality or quantity required; insufficient for a purpose.
concrete.angel.
If I have a regular reader of this bleeding heart nonsense I call a blog, not only would I be shocked at how bored they must be to tune into the happenings of my topsy turvy life, but I'd be willing to wager a few shekels that a regular reader assumes I'm barely hanging on by a thread and always depressed. While that's an easy conclusion to draw, it just isn't true. I just happen to pull my sincerest creativity from the dark shadows in my life. If I'm not writing or creating art, the safe assumption at that point is that I'm content, or even happy with my present state. Having said all that, I am letting the words flow out of my core tonight that tell of a deeply lonely Cicero. I have a great job that affords me paid time off for holidays such as this Labor Day weekend. So one would probably beg to understand why I've spent most of my three day weekend alone. Or why I've been uninspired and vacant all day today. Or why I don't have plans to hang out with friends tomorrow. Or why my friend list is shorter than Britney Spear's 2015 VMA dress. If I were being honest though, I could be standing in the middle of the VMAs as they were being recorded live and I'd still feel this nagging loneliness. I pondered the reason for these less than favorable feelings and, while I'll never know the exact reasons for why the universe unfolds as it does, I have deduced that my innate hollow feeling is a result of simple abandonment issues. My mother left when I was two, as she feared her own death if she tried to take me from my father in their bitter breakup. Then my father has abandoned me three times in my adult life. Each time for several years, and most recently two years ago. My grandfather was my world growing up and losing him to cancer when I was 10 almost killed me. The slightly older friend I idolized as a young adult stopped speaking to me after 7 years over petty fuss that I struggle to even recall now. The man I considered my soul mate, the love of my life, abandoned me three times. I've whined about him enough in past posts, but I hope you are smelling what I'm stepping in. Almost everyone who ever meant the world to me eventually left. And while I'm standing here like a concrete angel, able to weather any storm life may toss in my direction, I'm left hollow and grasping for some purpose. Or just some greater understanding of how to survive this life while enjoying it as I journey along.
mundane.
Day 28 of sobriety is in full swing, and while I feel proud of my accomplishment, I feel like I’m lacking some of the characteristics I grew comfortable with. I no longer feel attractive. I don’t spend a great deal of time maintaining my appearance like I once did. I lack motivation. I am gaining weight, but not grossly. With some routine weight lifting and exercise I could very easily build a body I could be proud of. But again, I lack motivation. I don’t sleep well at night anymore. I have never had problems with falling asleep or staying asleep, however, since sobriety I struggle with both. It takes more sleeping pills than is recommended in one dose to take me down at night. Even then, I wake up at least five or six times a night. Sometimes more. I don’t suffer from anxiety anymore, but my circle has diminished so greatly that most evenings after work I don’t ever see another human being. I spend a great deal of time alone, and sometimes I hate this fact. I have very few people in my life that I feel add value to it. My heart doesn’t get excited about anything lately. I have much to be grateful for but I don’t seem to love anything. Everything seems mundane or grey. I’m bored. I need change.
love.
Everyone should know what it feels like to be loved. Loved by someone they admire. The coldest hearts melt and become positively cheerful when they experience such admiration. In spite of what anyone says LOVE is the most amazing and valuable treasure one can have, and all beings benefit from experiencing it.
inseparable.
August 15, 2015 marked four years since that beautiful mess blew into my life, leaving me a beautiful disaster as well. When I first laid eyes on him I was immediately awe struck. I knew I loved him. I had just the right combination of cocaine and liquor in me to be brave enough to walk up to him and spark a spirited conversation. We exchanged numbers but I never expected I'd hear from him again. To my delight, he sent a text the very next day, and we became instantly inseparable. Very few days past that we didn't see each other after work. Most nights he slept next to me in my bed. Sometimes I'd sleep over at his place. He even made dinner one night for my closest friends at his place. He was so excited to show off his culinary skills. He was almost mine for several years, until the weight of ambiguity became too great, and it all came crashing down. Because of that lived-thru experience I won't allow myself to settle for anyone who is afraid of commitment again. Who left a hole in me that I'm sure no one will ever be able to fill. And I'm just not prepared to live thru this pain all over again.
author.unknown.
"Through the strength of your arms, I realized I was off the mark.
All I really wanted was a pair of interested ears.
I learned that for every... pause, I was almost guaranteed more time to speak.
It's always the selfish who say that life is way too short.
I'm not looking to get old, but I bet it'll happen anyway.
Now I look at my hands they don't move the same as two years ago.
At a slow steady pace, I made my way back home.
At least there I won't be ashamed.
Earlier today I felt the warmth as the skin it held the heat,
now the city surrounds me in different tones of gray.
Those are the same cries that make my bones shake...
Those are the same assholes that take more than they can handle.
I'm alone, but I'm not lonely.
I have kinetic energy.
The dividing line will separate us all.
Sometimes it's those nights,
where I'm all I have is really all I need..."
control.
Day twelve will soon come to an end and I'm still riding the sober train. I'm proud of my progress and couldn't be happier with the results thus far. I lost so much during the last few years on drugs, but I know I'll regain all that I deserve. I don't know what tomorrow holds and I'm learning to make peace with that fact. I realize my frustration with others is because they don't act as I would in a given situation. With that realization comes the awareness that I try too often to control people and events. I simply cannot, however, control anything except me. My own actions and reactions. If I choose to love someone I must accept that they might not love me in return. Or they may not love me they way I want them to. But I should love them just the same. I also must stop wasting energy on people who don't deserve my energy. I spin my wheels trying to make friendships and relationships work, then become angry when things don't play out as I wanted them to. Silly me!
numb.
I have awaken with a hole inside of my soul. It seems I'm finally out of the woods for my addiction to drugs as I'm sailing thru day eleven, curled up in my bed no less, but if I was being completely honest I find myself wanting to numb myself. I want to numb that lonely feeling inside. Why are other gay men so guarded with their hearts? I will be the first to declare my thoughts and feelings but it seems so few will follow suite. I find myself constantly having to censor the words I wish to use out of fear that I may send someone else running in the opposite direction. Why is love so taboo? Why is using the word "love" such a horrible sin? Most people claim to want love but when they meet it face to face they piss themselves like frightened children. I'm so beyond frustrated with giving my love away and not experiencing reciprocation. I'm so beyond exasperated with feeling lonely day after day. Drugs might suck on many levels but it kept me company and kept me from feeling real emotions. Fuck!
carpe.diem.
As I sat in a warm and salty bubble bath tonight I began to feel little sparks of hopefulness finally surfacing in what can only be described as the third hardest experience of my life. Giving up drugs was something I didn't expect to be very hard for me. After all, I'm a Libran and we are not prone to addictions. I never could have imagined the torture I have endured these six days. It has been a long drawn out exorcism and the demon isn't leaving my body without one hell of a fight. For two days I have fought flu symptoms atop the other shenanigans my body has seesaw'd thru: fatigue, soreness, never ending hunger. But those sparks of hope came tonight, to signal the help that is just around the bend. I daydreamed of how wonderful life is going to be in the years to come. Without drugs suddenly everything feels possible again. I want to take my art more seriously. I want a man that cherishes me and is firm with me when I need firmness. I want to host dinner parties like I used to. I want good clean friends around me. I want to be part of a book or poetry club. I might even want to adopt a child someday. Gosh, I just want to be proud of the life I lived when my time has come to an end. I'm so glad I made the decision to give up drugs finally. I'm so ready to feel good again, but I'll suffer thru these trials as I know I'm only going to be stronger for it in the end. And in case you wondered what the two hardest things I've done were... Second was leaving my fiancé and my home to embark on a new life in Texas. And the hardest thing I've ever done was leaving Danny Benitez, my soul mate, and moving to Vegas. I have never cried so hard in my entire life and I hope I never feel that pain again. Carpe that fucking diem!
day.four.
So here it is, the farewell to Day Four. I will soon close my eyes to rest and will wake up to embark on the journey of Day Five. I look in the mirror and see a younger, healthier face. I see a body that didn't balloon up as I had feared would happen. I haven't much energy but not much energy is required for this evening. I'm confident that my energy will begin to soar in the coming days. I'm alone but I have a purpose. I'm alone but I'm not making friends with regret any longer. Being alone before felt like a slow death. Being alone now feels like a slow ascension to the throne. I'm okay with being alone for now, as I trust the universe will surround me with love from kindred spirits. I'm shedding the old and open to new possibilities. I'm going to make Day Five my bitch!
summertime.sadness.
If I simply said "I miss you" I fear I'd offend my soul, as those worn out words don't scratch the surface in describing the acidic feeling simmering inside me tonight. This message will do neither of us any favors, but if I don't get this out of me it will tunnel thru my core and leave me hollow and more broken than before. The bright blue pool water, stretched out below my apartment window on such a hot July night, reminds me of last summer with you. We smoked cigarettes by that pool as we exchanged cheerful banter at an ungodly hour. I felt especially spiffy in your shirt so you snapped photos of me 'candidly posing'. If only I would have known that one day, in the near future, I'd cherish that evening, moreover that summer, I like to think I'd have lived it slower. Maybe I would have held you longer. Savored your smell. Basked in that laugh of yours. Perhaps I would have listened far more and spoke much less. But alas, those days are gone just as this one shall be soon. I'm learning the hard way to appreciate each day, good or bad, but most days that task is almost unbearable. Walking this journey without you has been a lonely experience that I'm sure few are built for. I must be superhuman. Or maybe it's your strength that unknowingly carries me on days like today, when the burdens became heavier than I. Thank you for taking care of you. And thank you for taking care of me. xo
cross.the.threshold.
Greeted by emptiness's strong embrace was not high on my list of things hoped for but has manifested to be my reality after a long Monday at the office. I've experienced no contact all day from anyone I ever called a companion and no soul present when I cross the threshold into the hollow dwelling I call home. I have no one to answer to, but I also have no one to share my story with. No one will argue if I leave my shoes in the middle of the floor, but I also have no one to laugh with if I trip over said shoes. May these days of unwanted solitude serve me well in a bright and better future, as I hope to have a chance at true love again someday, and pray I never take it for granted.
"Understand that life is not a straight line. Life is not a set timeline of milestones. It is okay if you don’t finish school, get married, find a job that supports you, have a family, make money, and live comfortably all by this age, or that age. It’s okay if you do, as long as you understand that if you’re not married by 25, or a Vice President by 30 — or even happy, for that matter — the world isn’t going to condemn you. You are allowed to backtrack. You are allowed to figure out what inspires you. You are allowed time, and I think we often forget that. We choose a program right out of high school because the proper thing to do is to go straight to University. We choose a job right out of University, even if we didn’t love our program, because we just invested time into it. We go to that job every morning because we feel the need to support ourselves abundantly. We take the next step, and the next step, and the next step, thinking that we are fulfilling some checklist for life, and one day we wake up depressed. We wake up stressed out. We feel pressured and don’t know why. That is how you ruin your life.
You ruin your life by choosing the wrong person. What is it with our need to fast-track relationships? Why are we so enamored with the idea of first becoming somebody’s rather than somebodies? Trust me when I say that a love bred out of convenience, a love that blossoms from the need to sleep beside someone, a love that caters to our need for attention rather than passion, is a love that will not inspire you at 6am when you roll over and embrace it. Strive to discover foundational love, the kind of relationship that motivates you to be a better man or woman, the kind of intimacy that is rare rather than right there. “But I don’t want to be alone,” we often exclaim. Be alone. Eat alone, take yourself on dates, sleep alone. In the midst of this you will learn about yourself. You will grow, you will figure out what inspires you, you will curate your own dreams, your own beliefs, your own stunning clarity, and when you do meet the person who makes your cells dance, you will be sure of it, because you are sure of yourself. Wait for it. Please, I urge you to wait for it, to fight for it, to make an effort for it if you have already found it, because it is the most beautiful thing your heart will experience.
You ruin your life by letting your past govern it. It is common for certain things in life to happen to you. There will be heartbreak, confusion, days where you feel like you aren’t special or purposeful. There are moments that will stay with you, words that will stick. You cannot let these define you – they were simply moments, they were simply words. If you allow for every negative event in your life to outline how you view yourself, you will view the world around you negatively. You will miss out on opportunities because you didn’t get that promotion five years ago, convincing yourself that you were stupid. You will miss out on affection because you assumed your past love left you because you weren’t good enough, and now you don’t believe the man or the woman who urges you to believe you are. This is a cyclic, self-fulfilling prophecy. If you don’t allow yourself to move past what happened, what was said, what was felt, you will look at your future with that lens, and nothing will be able to breach that judgment. You will keep on justifying, reliving, and fueling a perception that shouldn’t have existed in the first place.
You ruin your life when you compare yourself to others. The amount of Instagram followers you have does not decrease or increase your value. The amount of money in your bank account will not influence your compassion, your intelligence, or your happiness. The person who has two times more possessions than you does not have double the bliss, or double the merit. We get caught up in what our friends are liking, who our significant others are following, and at the end of the day this not only ruins our lives, but it also ruins us. It creates within us this need to feel important, and in many cases we often put others down to achieve that.
You ruin your life by desensitizing yourself. We are all afraid to say too much, to feel too deeply, to let people know what they mean to us. Caring is not synonymous with crazy. Expressing to someone how special they are to you will make you vulnerable. There is no denying that. However, that is nothing to be ashamed of. There is something breathtakingly beautiful in the moments of smaller magic that occur when you strip down and are honest with those who are important to you. Let that girl know that she inspires you. Tell your mother you love her in front of your friends. Express, express, express. Open yourself up, do not harden yourself to the world, and be bold in who, and how, you love. There is courage in that.
You ruin your life by tolerating it. At the end of the day you should be excited to be alive. When you settle for anything less than what you innately desire, you destroy the possibility that lives inside of you, and in that way you cheat both yourself and the world of your potential. The next Michelangelo could be sitting behind a Macbook right now writing an invoice for paperclips, because it pays the bills, or because it is comfortable, or because he can tolerate it. Do not let this happen to you. Do not ruin your life this way. Life and work, and life and love, are not irrespective of each other. They are intrinsically linked. We have to strive to do extraordinary work, we have to strive to find extraordinary love. Only then will we tap into an extraordinarily blissful life." (COPIED FROM A FRIEND - Author Unknown)
tribe.vibes.
Outside the wind is rushing fiercely. The wind chimes from the neighbor's breezeway and the rustling of leaves are all I hear, as I rest my bones in solitude inside my minuscule dwelling. This spot on earth that I have carved out for myself is all I have to keep me grounded most days. Just like the wind outside, the winds of change are blowing thru my life relentlessly. I try to enjoy the ride, but to worry over that which is uncertain is as common to me as breathing air. I count back the years since I left home and I think of how each year has proved to be so different from the last. I never imagined my life would be this way. Not all good. Not all bad. It makes me anxious to wonder what will unfold next, but I am the master of that destiny. I guess I forget sometimes that I choose what happens next. It's the people tho... they can't be controlled. I can't always pick who will remain on cast. But I trust the universe knows best, therefore I will go forward living by this truth; this quote that resounds in my head lately: "your vibe attracts your tribe."
synchronicity.
So a hot homeless crackhead showed up at my door about two hours ago. He woke me from sleep with his knocking, so I let him in like an idiot. He fell asleep beside me. I didn't sleep but I just thought about how I get myself into shit like this. So then I showered and freshened up while he snoozed. Then I roused him and told him he had to go. I grilled him on how his life led him to this point, while he asked if he could have a tshirt. In a stroke of irony, the first shirt I pulled out was my Habitat For Humanity shirt. It fit him perfectly. :)
this.my.daily.prayer.
Knowing he is well and flourishing is enough. To wish for more, to wish for him close to me is selfish. I am satisfied with the knowledge that he is alive and flourishing. The rest is up to the universe.
tapestry.
I stretch myself across the bed, more disheveled than the bedding embracing my slump. The same bedding which has become all too familiar with how ineffective I can be as I sleep the days away when loneliness comes to visit. Unable to lift my heavy flesh off the bed, I somehow find the energy to move my right arm. Without a plan in mind, my arm snakes itself to my nightstand, as I watch with the half of my face which is not crammed into a pillow. My fingers join the fun as they spring to life the motions necessary to open the top drawer. The hand I once controlled, now with a mission apart from my mission of slumber, forces itself thru the trenches of socks and sleeping pill bottles to gain access to the rear of my nightstand drawer. Then it stopped abruptly, signaling success in the search, and retreated. I pull out the empty cologne bottle I have carried from state to state, residence to residence. With my thumb I force the top from the cylinder bottle and pull it to my face for a whiff. As I drew into my nostrils the faint fragrance that resonated in the corners of this aged cylinder, tears began to drip down my cheek while the memories of a happier time came together like dozens of little puzzle pieces to paint the tapestry of love lost.
treasure.
Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in a quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return.
shakespeare.
Good name in man and woman, dear my lord,
Is the immediate jewel of their souls.
Who steals my purse steals trash; 'tis something, nothing;
'Twas mine, 'tis his, and has been slave to thousands;
But he that filches from me my good name
Robs me of that which not enriches him,
And makes me poor indeed.
music.is.no.good.
Everyone was watching, You were the freakiest thing on show. Dazzle in the crystal ball, They all love to watch it glow. You were the center of attention, The eye of the storm. A whirlwind from outer space, Like a twister on the scene. Mesmerize them when we danced Cause you sparkle next to me. We sit along the razor's edge, But you were crazy to be free. I'll agonize till you'll come back And we'll dance that close again. I miss you boy, I really do, Come back to me. But I know you don't need me anymore. And it's no good dwelling in the past, I have to live each day Like it was my last. The music's no good without you baby, The music's no good at all. The music's no good without you baby, Come back to me.
regret.nothing.
Day two is now under my belt and thus far the negative effects are mild. I am eating much more, which is a good thing, though I fear my bloat might get out of hand before it all levels out finally. Also, I'm sleepier than usual but that was expected. With all that said, I am pleasantly surprised at how easy this transition has been so far. I realize I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm already happier with the positive effects. Not to mention how much better life is going to be when this is completely behind me. I regret nothing I've ever done and I am glad I lived thru this chapter of my life. I'm very optimistic about what's ahead of me though. I truly think my best years have yet to come!
On another note, I miss everything and everyone that has passed thru my life like water to a net. I would give up forever just to spend whatever days I have left basking in Danny's black light. Just the trivial conversations and seemingly meaningless banter kept my light shining bright. I fear I'm dim without him, but he can't be here right now so the universe took him away from me. Again. Like a band aid ripped from a hairy wound without warning. Jesse is also missed. He showed me what it feels like to be loved and to feel sexy. He was meek, yet dark and mysterious. His deep sexy voice and the smell of his cigarettes paired with cologne gave me comfort. But he has also made his exit. With Danny, I think I did all I could do to keep something caged that was far too wild. But with Jesse I fear I took him for granted. Perhaps because of my blind love for my lost soul mate. Whatever the reason, I don't know that I did all I could to keep him. I don't know that I did right by him entirely. I just don't think I understood the reality of his leaving until it was too late. The list of others could keep me writing all night but those two weigh heavy tonight so I'll let my thoughts rest here. Danny and Jesse, you boys are in my heart forever, etched so deep that time could never erode your memory or my love for you. Wherever you are tonight, I pray to the universe that your spirit is hopeful and your heart is warm and that you can feel my love.
bean.buffoonery.
During lunch at work last week I ate three plates of beans, which I know I should not have. When I got home, my boyfriend seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my boyfriend was out the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I let three more go. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable!
Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my boyfriend returned as he apologized for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and 12 dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday."
(by: tasselstine For Aunty Acid)
scattered.and.unfinished.
All four of the following thoughts were written on different days recently. My thoughts have been scattered and my writing has been unfinished: (1) I am, without a doubt, completely exhausted with the never-ending cycle I have found so familiar. That one where I chase the mere crumbs of affection from others who’ve proven to be incapable of loving me in return. (2) It’s been a week this time. I think this time is permanent though. I seem to bring out the worst in him and he drags out every possible insecurity in me. I’m sad about my loss. About our loss. I never feel as joyous and “found” as I do when I’m with him. His trips to visit me, no matter how frequent, were like Christmas Day every time. I’m hollowed out and torn. (3) It is an empty feeling. Hollow even. Like a part of me was removed with force and without warning. A freak accident perhaps? (4) A world wihtout her is unfathomable. Such a beautiful and magnetic creature... why has she never lived up to her potential. I've always wanted more for her than she seemed to want for herself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)