numb.

I have awaken with a hole inside of my soul. It seems I'm finally out of the woods for my addiction to drugs as I'm sailing thru day eleven, curled up in my bed no less, but if I was being completely honest I find myself wanting to numb myself. I want to numb that lonely feeling inside. Why are other gay men so guarded with their hearts? I will be the first to declare my thoughts and feelings but it seems so few will follow suite. I find myself constantly having to censor the words I wish to use out of fear that I may send someone else running in the opposite direction. Why is love so taboo? Why is using the word "love" such a horrible sin? Most people claim to want love but when they meet it face to face they piss themselves like frightened children. I'm so beyond frustrated with giving my love away and not experiencing reciprocation. I'm so beyond exasperated with feeling lonely day after day. Drugs might suck on many levels but it kept me company and kept me from feeling real emotions. Fuck!