concrete.angel.

If I have a regular reader of this bleeding heart nonsense I call a blog, not only would I be shocked at how bored they must be to tune into the happenings of my topsy turvy life, but I'd be willing to wager a few shekels that a regular reader assumes I'm barely hanging on by a thread and always depressed. While that's an easy conclusion to draw, it just isn't true. I just happen to pull my sincerest creativity from the dark shadows in my life. If I'm not writing or creating art, the safe assumption at that point is that I'm content, or even happy with my present state. Having said all that, I am letting the words flow out of my core tonight that tell of a deeply lonely Cicero. I have a great job that affords me paid time off for holidays such as this Labor Day weekend. So one would probably beg to understand why I've spent most of my three day weekend alone. Or why I've been uninspired and vacant all day today. Or why I don't have plans to hang out with friends tomorrow. Or why my friend list is shorter than Britney Spear's 2015 VMA dress. If I were being honest though, I could be standing in the middle of the VMAs as they were being recorded live and I'd still feel this nagging loneliness. I pondered the reason for these less than favorable feelings and, while I'll never know the exact reasons for why the universe unfolds as it does, I have deduced that my innate hollow feeling is a result of simple abandonment issues. My mother left when I was two, as she feared her own death if she tried to take me from my father in their bitter breakup. Then my father has abandoned me three times in my adult life. Each time for several years, and most recently two years ago. My grandfather was my world growing up and losing him to cancer when I was 10 almost killed me. The slightly older friend I idolized as a young adult stopped speaking to me after 7 years over petty fuss that I struggle to even recall now. The man I considered my soul mate, the love of my life, abandoned me three times. I've whined about him enough in past posts, but I hope you are smelling what I'm stepping in. Almost everyone who ever meant the world to me eventually left. And while I'm standing here like a concrete angel, able to weather any storm life may toss in my direction, I'm left hollow and grasping for some purpose. Or just some greater understanding of how to survive this life while enjoying it as I journey along.