wild.of.heart.

I stopped believing in the constant coincidences in my life a few years ago. A sweet, young friend of mine from back home took his life last night. The same night that I was conversing with loved ones about others who had taken their lives in the same manner. Two nights after I had a close encounter with death myself that left me humbled and more appreciative of this life I was gifted. My friend was so lost in his head. He didnt realize that getting away from it all might help unclutter. I get lonely still. Sad beyond words. But nothing like I did back then. I have no roots. Nothing to call my own. But the freedom in giving it all up seems to have dulled the pain. I truly wish I had noticed he was hurting and tried to help. Sometimes I pity the friends I left behind in the small towns of Carolina. "A prayer for the wild of heart that are kept in cages." I guess fear holds them there. Fear of the unknown. During my scary episode this week I was first beside myself with fear, of course, but I wont forget looking in the mirror, looking past the blood on my face and smiling cause I felt at that moment that I glared death in the face and said "I fear nothing!" Perhaps my stupid pride saves my dumbass sometimes. RIP J. O'Neal

gabriel.

Friends of mine, Mark and Kristen, were expecting their first born baby. Last week baby Gabriel showed up unexpectedly three months early. I wont go into details but Gabriel is fighting every day to be with us. His father posted the following message this morning as an update: "Lying here in the room for parents in the NICU, Kristen is sleeping and they had to sedate Gabriel because as the doctor said, "he's fighting us so much we just needed him to get some rest" I've come to think about how I thought of my son before his birth and how I think of him now. I dreamed the big dreams, what his personality would be and his sense of humor. Of him going to college to play baseball or football. Of him joining TKE like his old man, and the stories he could tell. I realize I forgot to dream small, the little things that I expected to happen. I dream now of holding him, hearing him cry, making him smile. I see now how important it is to dream small, because as each small dream is realized, the big ones will come and oh the wonder they will have." Speechless.

"Distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough..."

Thanksgiving 2013

In the wake of a morning which started off with a little turbulence I find myself recounting the events of 2013 of which have humbled my mere existance and reminded me to be thankful for the gift of a morning with turbulence. My heart has been broken by the loss of love or companionship a few times, like most. But nothing can compare to the broken heart that one experiences when someone they hold so close to their heart passes out of this life. Especially without warning. We are human. We are subject to unexpected expiration without provocation. Life itself is fragile and in my opinion isn’t usually treated with the admiration and respect it deserves. I recently enjoyed conversation and wine with two friends, both of whom were working as flight attendents during 9/11. During our banter that evening the conversation moved to discussing our individual experiences of that fateful day. Both of them had chilling stories that have resonated in my brain but I was moved by one common thread in each of their tales; both witnessed humanity in it’s truest form for months to follow. Passengers of their flights were kinder. Everyone was thankful and verbalized it. The respect for life united us all as was made evident by our everyday interactions. I am thankful for freedom and the men and women that have fought and continue to fight for that freedom. Military and otherwise. I am thankful for the gift of aging. Though I dislike physical signs of aging as much as the next superficial fool, I have found solice in understanding that growing old is a luxury not guaranteed to anyone. I am thankful for a loving family that accepts me the way I am. I am thankful for genuine people as they are few and sometimes hard to find. True friendship, I have learned, is a treasure that could never be matched by any amount of wealth or success. I am convinced that I have found safety, security, and pure love in friendship with a handful of the greatest people ever to have lived. Even though some are seperated by distance the true friends are just as much apart of my heart as ever before. I will refrain from mentioning the names of my best friends and their many attributes that I am thankful for as I fear that I would run out of time on this Earth before finishing the list. I will, however, meantion one name. My friend Regina has taught me about acceptance of others, mental strength when all hope seems lost, and genuine unconditional love through friendship. When I was suffering from a broken heart she made an unannounced road trip from northern Virginia to southern North Carolina just to surprise me and remind me that I was loved. That is just one of many ridiculous examples of how amazing this woman is. She does it all with the elegance, class, humor, grace, and charm that one might expect from the first lady of the U.S. She is also black but has no idea… so don’t tell her. Haha I am thankful for the challenges as well as opportunities I have experienced thoughout my journey thus far, as each played a role in carving out the person you see today. On that note, I am so very thankful for the two long-term(ish) relationships I have survived… or been blessed with . haha. Both gentleman are still very dear friends of mine and know me more than most. I spent nearly seven years with Jared and three years with Joshua. I wouldn’t trade either of them or the relationships we share(d) for anything in this world. The list could go on to infinity and beyond but I will sum it all up by saying, life is beautiful . And messy. And painful. In spite of the pain, however, each day is a gift. And each person the we encounter has a story. Speak softer. Speak slower. Be slow to anger. Love completely without fear. Be thankful for the small things. I am thankful for life.

deck.the.halls.with.DANERO.

"With each new person you meet, you are being told something about your purpose in life and what you are here to learn." -James Van Praagh

wisdom.delerium.

To others the pain was obvious The colours of shame a bruise - unjust
Abuse of trust can't be wiped
I can't remember why I chose to say goodbye I'm terrified of what I
Might have severed
I tried to forget the drowning truth Lashing inside my sea of youth
Life seemed a fair sacrifice for peace
I can't remember why I chose to say goodbye I'm terrified of what I
Might have severed
I ended up too high But never learnt to fly
So coming down I'm very thankful (you were there)

morning.mourning.

Like in the horror movies where the town begins to shut down and board up the windows as the sun begins to set I feel the sadness coming long before it hits.  When the sun starts to go down I frantically try to makes plans for the evening that will keep my mind occupied.  At night I feel sadness but the birth of a new day as the sun rises the next morning always brings new hope and happiness. 

Aaliyah.

Twelve years ago today the world lost a beautiful and talented individual.  I was driving past Dixon High School just outside of Jacksonville, N.C. when the radio DJ announced that Aaliyah's plane had gone down.  I had to pull off the road to endure the shock and sadness.  I had been dressing in drag for a few months already and going by the name Eve Campbell.   It was at that moment that I decided to change my name to Aaliyna Dejah Campbell.  Aaliyna in memory of Aaliyah and Selena.  Dejah is a beautiful friend of mine that I admired then and still do today.  Shortly after the passing of
Aaliyah I took my character from the streets to the stage and dropped the last name Campbell.  Years later I simplified the spelling of the first name to "Alena."  RIP Aaliyah Dana Haughton.

addiction.

"You're an addiction ... a favored vice for many" was said to me this morning by a friend.  The feeling that overcame me was loneliness but immediately shifted to pride.  I would rather be someone's addiction than someone easily forgotten. 

I watch the Heavens but I find no calling
Something I can do to change what's coming
Stay close to me while the sky is falling
I don't wanna be left alone, don't want to be alone

The world is on fire
It's more than I can handle
I'll tap into the water
Try and bring my share

When I am king of the world one of the first tasks I will take on will be smashing the shadoobie out of every "speaker" button on every telephone, mobile or otherwise, thereby disabling this feature forever.  Speaker phone is the bane of my existence. 

"I like you. You're funny and you're nicely shaped, and frankly it's ludicrous to have these interlocking bodies and not... interlock. Please remove your clothing now." - Anya, Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Thank you, India.

I will often only write about my sorrows and woes, bleeding out my complaints because that is when I'm most inspired artistically.  Danny suggested I attempt to write, tap into my creativity if  you will, when I'm happy.  Flowery words or not, I'm happy and I want the universe to know it.  My agnostic, pescetarian on a good day, narcissistic, body dysmorphic self has managed to find some fleeting moments worth smiling about lately.  My job is going very well, knock on wood.  I actually get out of bed in the morning excited to work with my clients, cause heaven knows, every day is an adventure in the world of automobile financing.  Also, I am elated about the fact that I might be getting a brand new car for my first time very soon.  I have always driven used vehicles.  Nice, but still used.  Having a new car would be such a nice treat and I think that I deserve it.  My love life can be dissected and scattered across the operating table only to be diagnosed as unconventional or complicated.  Both of which I have grown to be okay with.  I say "grown" because I don't think I could lead the life I live if this were ten years ago.  All of the failed relationships and tribulations I have faced in my late teens and 20's truly readied me for what I consider the real world.  I find contentment in sleeping alone most nights.  I find contentment in going on an occasional date with a handsome stranger who is also trying to carve his path thru this life.  I find contentment in companionship with my best friend.  I can drag him along if I am invited to a couples outing or I can leave him behind if I am feeling like a frisky cheerleader at an away football game.  So, conventional sounds so nice, but it isn't for everyone at all times.  In truth, I don't know if I will ever be able to live like others and have the perfect marriage like Tim McGraw and Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side.  I was good at living that lie for a while in my mid-20's but I wasn't truly happy.  In fact, I wasn't even kind of happy.  Joshua was so good to me but it didn't matter because if you place your happiness on someone else's shoulders you will end up miserable EVERY TIME!  In closing, everyone has ups and downs.  We all know that.  My ups happen to be less frequent, or so it seems, and do not linger very long.  But the lows make the highs so much better.  "High on life, honey.  High on life!" (passing thought - Shelley Long, Troop Beverly Hills).  I am nervous about being too happy because I'm scared of the crash that is sure to follow.  But as I have said a million times, we are not promised tomorrow.  I don't want to waste a single day in this life.  I embrace my happy... even if it means my writing is suffering because of it.  And I know it is.  Thank you, universe.  Thank you, friends.   Thank you, haters.  And thank you, India!

quest diag-derelict-nostics

That nervousness you feel while producing the specimen needed for a drug screening when you know you haven't been drunk or on drugs (in hours) can only be compared to the feeling you get when the downtown derelict taking up residence on the street corner cat calls you with misplaced enthusiasm.
 

Only kidding about the drunk/drugs in hours. 

tove.

I wanna keep you to myself
In a hidden place where no one else can come
Deep underground
If I can't have you
No one else can ever touch you like I used to do
And every week I will be stopping by
To tell you all about my life
My perfect life
And you'll be listening
Wishing you could keep me in your pocket
Head and heart
Too late
Beating on a better drum
Dancing right above you
Rave until my body pop
Shake it up another one
Move it all without you
Come on make my body pop
Trying to keep it together
Heart aches wall breaks
Beating on a better drum
Better off without you

(lyrics from Tove Styrke's Beating On A Better Drum)

"According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with 4 arms, 4 legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves." ― Plato

Flight Facilities - Crave You

"Why can't you want me like the other boys do?
They stare at me while I stare at you
Why can't I keep you safe as my own?
One moment I have you the next you are gone
Rehearsed steps on an empty stage
That boy's got my heart in a silver cage
Why can't you want me like the other boys do?
They stare at me while I crave you

It's true I crave you
Crave You
It's true I crave you"

legendary.

During the first half of this year, 2013, the world lost three incomparable entertainers.  The gay community is still reeling over the shock.  Three headliners who had surpassed their peers and achieved success in the world of drag and female impersonation that most only dream of.  I knew the names of all three of these divas since the first year I came out of the closet and had the absolute pleasure of getting to know two of them in recent years.  Meeting and befriending Whitney Paige and Erica Andrews before they passed away is a treasure I will hold close to my heart my whole life.  I can't even write this post without my eyes filling with tears.  Their beauty was only surpassed by their big hearts and warm smiles.  Both always acted like they were thrilled to see me whenever I would pass them at a nightclub or while taking the dog for a walk around the neighborhood.  I wish I could have known them longer but we are given no guarantees in life and I will remain thankful for the gifts bestowed on me.  Ashley Kruiz was a sweet soul also from what I have heard but I never had the pleasure of meeting her.  I hope with every fiber in my being that I will get to see them take the stage again someday.  A grander stage in heaven or in another life.  I refuse to believe this is the end. 

 Keep entertaining, girls.  I will be there with my dollar bills, ready to be blown away by your talents again when my number is called!

"To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.  This is to have succeeded." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

season.of.stoicism.

If I have learned nothing else from reading all of Chelsea Handler's books I have certainly learned that regaling others with ridiculous tales that never happened (lying) requires a special skill set usually reserved for telemarketers or door-to-door gently worn undergarment salesmen and can be extremely entertaining! However, I met my match when I met Danny two years ago. He can bold face lie to me, have me in tears and ready to sell plasma to buy back the house we don't own, and still never crack a grin. I attribute this to his being born without the muscles required for smiling... or a soul. Therefore I make him color his hair red, as everyone knows redheads don't have souls either, and call me "stepmom!"

"Fashion and the way we look are a part of our human condition. It's tribal and social and personal. I don't think it's superficial; it's quite profound." - Helen Mirren

 

bouffant.business.

I fear my wonderful hair days are drawing nigh.  The ravages of time are swiftly taking their toll on my hairline and my pride.  I lived most of my adult life as a blonde but discovered only two summers ago that I can truly shine with jet black hair.  I have driven the rockstar appeal for as long as the engine will last but I know soon the fuel will be gone and I will be forced into duller conditions.  My hair represents my confidence and sheer power behind the man you see.  I expect to give the black bouffant business one more ride around the block before I retire her forever. 

houston, we have a problem.

My thoughts are scattered tonight but they have been simmering inside my core all day.  All week even.  Until today I felt too broken to open the lid.  I realize that perhaps I let my thoughts simmer too long as I open the lid and these words are boiling out of me without structure and concentration, making a mess all over this screen.  The heat was turned to high as I was reminded tonight of a favorite verse from a song I have always loved.  This lyric/quote was my senior quote in high school and has followed me since I first heard the song.  "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."  I had a chapter of my life closed for me today.  A friendship sealed.  I would walk away without a tear if I knew I had done everything I could to save it.  But I'm not sure I did.  I have to be so strong all the time it seems as so many people look to me to lift them up.  Family, friends, and the like all look to me to be some pillar of strength, unmoved by life's constant turbulence.  My melt-downs are kept few and quiet.  I only expose my pain to you, my reader, and a select few individuals who could be counted on one hand.  Tonight I am censored from someone's life charged with the crime of not lifting them up when they were sad, saving them when their bedrock was eroding, and not being more sensitive to their health scares.  I have been kicked but never this hard.  Of all of the sins I am guilty of, being an absent friend is the last one I expected to be judged on.  While I can't deny guilt completely I also know I must pick myself up off the ground and move on with my life in a positive direction.  I want to be happy.  I insist on it.  I was even taking a quiet drive this evening with soft rock music humming in the background as I made peace with my life and it's fragility.  I imagined my light being snuffed out without a moment's notice and wondered if I had done all I could to leave the world a brighter one.  I hoped I would die happy.  Life isn't fair and often people pass out of this world in an unhappy state of mind.  My soul aches to think of those wretched ones.  So these were my thoughts before I received a hand-written letter on my doorstep tonight.  Five pages later and I am left stunned and unable to visualize how I can move on as a friend to anyone.  I have spent the week wondering who was going to save me, meanwhile, people I love will cry themselves to sleep tonight because they thought I could have done more for them.

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

silent.hill.

I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead.

broken.

This was posted to my Facebook wall by a friend who I would have expected to know very little about me.  However, I couldn't have been more wrong.   She sees right thru me. 

taken.too.soon.

She was my date for Christmas portraits during my junior year in high school.  She fed me chicken fingers with ranch dressing every day after school when I drove her home.  She was sweet and loving with every word.  Far too kind for this evil world.  She was taken from us too soon and I still think of her constantly. 

Corie Lynne Duckett

09/07/1982

05/23/2005

vanity.

How can I be so vain yet hate myself at the same time?  I feel beautifully hideous.  Always.

misplaced.

I woke up with a hole inside of me.  I bled out on the pages of the universe last night.  I suppose I expected the blood to clot and the wound to heal while my body was resting.  Secretly, or maybe not so secretly, I hoped it would be my final rest.  The one of which I walk thru that ambiguous doorway filled with light to find my reward for enduring the trials and tribulations punted at me in this earthly life.  Heaven?  Doubtful.  But I like to think a better life does lie ahead nonetheless.  I digress.  So I woke up with this hole still bleeding.  I have masked over the hole with a spray tan on the skin, fresh coat of hair dye, and a hint of cosmetics to invoke misplaced confidence.  I have put one foot in front of the other and am ready to fool the world into thinking I have it all.  In reality, I wonder how much longer I can hold on. 

elsewhere.

I know this love is passing time
Passing through like liquid
I am drunk in my desire
But I love the way you smile at me
I love the way your hands reach out and hold me near
I believe this is heaven to no one else but me
And I'll defend it as long as
I can be left here to linger in silence
If I choose to

Would you try to understand?

unpenetrable.

It's dark.  It's dark out there and it's dark in here.  In this room and in my head.  When did I stop loving darkness?  I suppose that shift may have occurred when everything in my life did a 180.  Wow, so much power wielded by one person.  The strength it took to walk away from everything I had ever known and break free from the comforts and security that sustain most people for a lifetime, well, it is nothing short of incomparable.  So now as I sit here afraid of darkness and think back on those memories as if they are playing on a reel and the lead character isn't myself but instead an average-looking actor who cleans up well for the camera, acting out some fantastic story for the amusement of others.  That couldn't have been me.  I am weak.  The darkness comes every night to steal that fake smile I have mastered and fill my being with hopelessness.  I hate needing another person for anything, especially comradery.  I should be made of stone by now, given all the wounds I have suffered.  One big scab, unpenetrable to all weapons of this world.  Yet, in this dark room I don't feel strong enough to change the things in my life that keep me anchored to mediocrity.  The ties that bind me to sadness.  I am surrounded by a planet littered with overpopulation yet not one person would understand.  I'm just an actor.  Nothing they see is real.  I want to return to the chapter labeled Fall/Winter 2010.  When, for the first time and last, I can truly recall being happy.  Purely happy.  Without expectations or desires for anything beyond that day.    

valentine.

His lips are red like blood
Stained with truth and history
The most beautiful in all the land
I melt when he speaks to me
I barely know this thief
He tore me from security
Vulverable to his lips so red
I'm nervous when he speaks to me
Cities and hours apart
I wait to see those lips again
I imagine my lips pressed against his
Oh to kiss the lips of my gorgeous friend
Luscious lips so bold
My thoughts are tied to him
Taunt me until the daylight ends
So I drift to sleep and dream of them

I wrote this February 2011 about a friend of mine. 

Gay Librans.

 
Charming, my dear. Yes you. Don't try to deny it, because I know you've looked in a mirror recently. The dimples, the full pouting lips, and let's not underestimate the power of your nicely rounded posterior. It's a full length mirror you have, of course. Call it self-restraint if you have only one. Your face and conversation are the delight of the zodiac; you are ruled by the goddess, Venus. How very popular you must be. You've got a million dollar smile and a laugh that will reduce your prey to a puddle of blushes. Who wouldn't want to be you? It does get difficult, though, to sort though the myriad of evites that practically spam your inbox. Sorting them all out can require some time and strategic thinking, not to mention some good 'ol fashioned hard headed decision making...

Ah! There's the rub. Being situated as you are in the sixth house of the zodiac, Librans teeter at the place where self-hood and society meet: hence, the scales. You prize balance and harmony above all else; nice work if you can get it. Some people think it comes naturally. Of course we know that being so calm all the time takes work. It's important to remember that scales, like your feelings, tip back and forth. Nobody can get as annoyed as you at a messy drama queen, but nobody can be so charming about it. You know what do do when she's finished with her rant. You'll put on your most demure Patty Duke and tell her that smiling saves money on bot-ox down the line.

You fight like a... You'd rather not, and please don't make the joke about the broken nail. Haha. But why get all mussed over what could easily be resolved the way God intended: while sipping a doppio macchaito. Think more Gilmore Girls, less Sopranos. You love to facilitate an insightful debate, just for the educational experience of it. Your ability to deliberate proves you're more than a pretty face. But it can be pretty annoying to your friends, all the time it takes you to get to any kind of conclusion. There's nothing wrong with that. But be careful if the girls start casting each other knowing looks the next time you've had another change of opinion. They were just saying the other day that you can seem a little insincere sometimes. Don't shoot the messenger. I'm telling you because I don't want you to get hurt.

It's not as though something like that would keep you from getting out. You're not the type who can stay up all night with the help of a red bull or two, but that doesn't stop you from being a very social butterfly. If you didn't socialize, then how could people pay you compliments? Friends make everything better. You work out in a pack, get coffee in with a cadre, and party in a throng. You can work hard/play hard for a while, but when you've decided you're finished you plop down on the duvet and get out the sleeping mask. You demand to be taken care of. And not just by your friends. You need coupling in the love department especially. Try not to be the boy who always needs a man; if he's not right, you'll wear yourself out trying to make him happy and that's not good for anybody. Crying makes the eyes puffy.

i.know.a.boy.

I Know A Boy - Written By Emylee McIntosh
(written about yours truly)

"I know a boy, this story’s true,
Who had a rather jaded view,
Of his beauty, and his worth,
And of his time spent on the earth.

He couldn’t see, though it was clear,
That so many held him dear.
Happiness is what he was chasing,
Though throughout his heart was breaking.

If I were to see him now,
I will take this solemn vow,
I will say the things that he should know,
That he should’ve known long ago

That he is worth so much more,
Than what he thinks his life counts for.
If others his beauty do not comprehend
Then I feel so bad for them.

I hope he never loses sight,
Of how people are blinded by his light.
And I hope that light does never dim,
Cause without his smile the world is grim."

#touched #honored #inspired

thoughts.from.a.friend.

"Call me crazy... But I don't think life is as hard as people make it seem.If you've done something to hurt someone... Stop doing what hurt them...If someone hurts your friend... Stop talking to that someone...If you don't want to be bothered by law enforcement... Don't do crap that'll get you bothered...And if you aren't happy... Then do what makes you happy...I don't know... Maybe I'm over simplifying things... But the way I see it at the end of the day the only person who's living your life is you... Maybe that means you should put some thought into how you want to live it??"  -Nana Rena Rita

Obituary: Erica Andrews (my idol)

 
SALIZAR

Erica Salizar leaves behind her mother, a sister, two brothers and numerous nieces and nephews all of which she loved unconditionally. She also leaves behind an international community privileged to be graced with her presence, influence, passion, success, humor, and most importantly her love. Undeniably, a pioneer, her accolades and achievements will forever resonate as a contribution to her community's cause and progress. While her influence and entertainment will forever be discussed and remembered, to know her one would know she simply pursued her passion. Effortlessly, she took everyone's breath away and commanded attention with her incomparable beauty. With great pleasure she mesmerized and served countless crowds through her mastery of illusion. Her love for the community can only be paralled to the love she received from her community. Surpassing expectations and leaving behind shattered boundaries Erica Andrews' legacy will be forever be defined by professionalism, the pursuit of passion, and the love and adoration for those around her. In her very brief life she managed to reach an iconic status, a life abundant with achievement, all because of her passion to not only find her true self but to love herself unconditionally, opening the door for countless individuals to pursue the same passion comfortably and with confidence because of the path forged by Erica, who did so with such grace, dignity and clarity that forever a community has been changed and redefined.

A Candle Light Vigil and Remembrance Ceremony will be held at Crockett Park on March 28th from 7pm-9pm. There will be a Mariachi for her at 8pm. We want to invite everyone to attend especially her friends and fans from all over the country!!!

Published in Express-News on March 24, 2013

The Jump Off, 2

I had taken a vacation with Danny once before when we decided to visit my hometown in North Carolina and yet again I found myself willing to be strapped in for the sort of shenanigans usually reserved for a Seth McFarlane film.  I will always choose flying over cross-country driving, God bless the Wright brothers, however, that previous experience with Danny on an airplane resulted in being tackled by four female flight attendants, who probably double as linebackers in their spare time, and then asked never to choose American Airlines again.  Needless to say, Danny has an irrational fear of planes that is hazardous for the health of anyone involved.    So as to avoid another tumultuous journey we decided to drive this go-round.  South Padre Island, Texas was our destination and relaxation was our goal.  Our relationship can be classified as nothing less than ambiguous and I saw this not only as an opportunity to meet his family but also to relieve some of the pressure on said relationship caused by his recent diagnosis of being a shit-stain on the skivvies of life.  

Like any sane person preparing for an eight hour drive the next morning I was asleep by approximately 9 o'clock.  3AM at the latest.  I was chewing my way thru a very seductive, yet confusing dream with cameo appearances by David Hasselhoff and a seven layer strawberry drizzled cheese cake (don't judge - I am attracted to cholesterol and strange older men with high cholesterol levels) when I was jolted awake by shit-stain himself, as he stood over me asking "are you awake?"  Why do people always ask if someone is awake when they have to use hand grenades and canon fire to rouse them?  I believe I muttered  "I was clearly not awake, assface!" or something to that effect as I sat up in bed.  It was then that Danny explained to me that he was unable to sleep due to excitement or copious amounts of a mind altering substance, and would prefer to hit the road before sunrise.  I never let my affection for mind altering substances overlap my love for sleep.  My cell phone screen said 3:32AM and my face said "go to hell."  With the assurance, however,  that I could sleep along the way, I grabbed my overnight bags, my pillow, and a blanket, and made my way to the back seat of Danny's sedan where I resumed my date with a strawberry drizzled David Hasselhoff.

To be continued...

anchored.

I have that nasty little habit of constantly comparing myself to the people around me.  Everyone.  I suppose I do it to find validation in the decisions I have made in life that led me to where I am today.  Fact is, I am not like anyone else that I have known in this lifetime.  The cousins I grew up around all have homes, children, and a spouse.  Same goes for the peers from my high school years.  Then, this morning, I thought about the gay guys that I used to be best friends with from my hometown in North Carolina.  Most of them have a grounded life now as well.  Some are anchored in a long term relationship while others are anchored by a career and/or a home they purchased.  Not me.  I am a dandelion out here in the world being carried by the wind.  Old habits make me want to regret that but fact is, it's a good life.  I exist for love and for happiness.  Yes, it is my goal to maintain a happy life for myself but most importantly, it is my goal to bring happiness to those whose path I cross each day.  The truth of the matter is that I would love to find my soul mate, if I haven't already, and grow old with him.  I would love to bring a child into the world and raise it to be the best man or woman they could be.  But realistically I have to accept that I may never have those things.  No one is guaranteed the American dream.  Plus, I am not built like most people and could potentially grow bored with such a life.  I don't know what tomorrow holds for me but I am optimistic that I was meant for something great.  I choose to be happy today and always. 

mi corazon...

One week ago today the world lost a remarkable person.  Erica Andrews was the symbol of elegance and had been my idol since I first saw her photos on the internet in 2001.  I remember being at my friend Pattra's home just off of Oakley Road in Wilmington, North Carolina when Patt pulled up photos of this gorgeous creature.  I was enamored with her beauty and followed her every move from 1000+ miles away thereafter.  In 2008, my fiance' at the time, Joshua, surprised me for my birthday with autographed 8x10 head shots of Erica of which he had framed.  She wrote "Alena, all my love always.  Erica Andrews xoxo."  (Alena was my drag name). They hung in my office until the day I decided to embark on a self-discovery journey across America.  In a twist of fate I ended up in Dallas Texas in 2010 only months before Erica Andrews decided to move to Dallas also.  I not only met my idol but began seeing her on a regular basis.  I smile thru a steady flow of tears today knowing she knew my name.  She called me "friend."  I wish I had taken more time to be around her.  I wish I had told her how much of an impression she had made on my life.  I never actually told her I was the same boy that she had mailed the autographed head shots to.  I never told her I had been her fan for twelve years.  Erica was loved by thousands, well probably millions, of people globally but she was never too big of a star to ask how I was doing or make a kind remark.  I will always cherish the simple memories of talking with her poolside, watching her grocery shop at Kroger in a sun dress with no makeup, or bar-hopping on her night's off.  She was so humble yet so breath-taking with every step she took.  I can't remember feeling this confused over losing someone since my grandfather passed when I was ten years old.  If there is a such thing as heaven and angels, those are some lucky angels that get to stand by Erica's side today.  I hope more than anything that I will get to hug her again someday.  Simpre en mi corazon, Erica! xoxoxo

stay.

Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed savin'
Cause when you never see the light of day it's hard to know which one of us is cavin'

quandary.

re·cip·ro·ca·tion [ri-sip-ruh-key-shuhn]   noun

1. an act or instance of reciprocating.
2. a returning, usually for something given.
3. a mutual giving and receiving.
4. the state of being reciprocal or corresponding.

I have seen and experienced enough love in my life to believe it exists and is possible for everyone to enjoy.  However, when I was a mere sprog fantasizing about adulthood I never imagined how difficult it can be to find and enjoy love at it's most simplest form.  I pondered love this morning and I traced my complaints back to reciprocation.  "The power in a relationship lies with whoever cares the least."  That is a favorite quote of mine.  (Yes, I have many favorite quotes).  It's one of my favorites because it's meaning resonates in my brain and I believe it to be true.  Most relationships begin, in my belief, with a physical attraction typically shared by both parties.  From there the seed of love begins to grow bigger and faster in one person while the other becomes "over it" or "spooked."  I am guilty of this too.  But more times than not I am the first to run head first into the brick wall with my heart on my sleeve.  With each crushing of my heart I grow a little more jaded and untrusting.  So how does one jump the reciprocation hurtle?  To have a successful relationship do you have to play the game of "match the other person's affection" so that you don't love too quickly or too slowly?  It boggles my mind and leaves me in a unfulfilled quandary.  Being single and only having yourself to look after seems so much easier!  Yeah, we'll go with that instead.  :)

Five rules of happiness: Free your heart of hatred.  Free your mind of worries.  Live your life simply.  Give more to others.  Expect less of others.

thoughtlessness.

I have spent a considerable amount of time alone lately, deep in thought.  My over-analytical brain is probably my greatest enemy.  I try to take the good with the bad and keep smiling.  With today's lounging came a few life lessons that I hope I won't soon forget:  (A) Humans will let you down (B) Loose lips sinks ships.  Let a person be well-tried before giving them your confidence

I am reminded of one of my favorite quotes, "Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind."

Though I feel angry and a little bewildered by other people's thoughtlessness I am going to remind myself of all that is good and beautiful in the world around me.  I am going to focus so much time on improving my own self that I have no time to criticize others.  LIVE STRONG!

passion.

We have all heard the phrase "Good things come to those that wait."  But in true Cicero form I decided to analyze that phrase today and decided it is completely false.  It's false for me, at least.  I took a mental inventory of some of the highlights in my life thus far and every example was filled with a passion so strong that at that time I was willing to go against all odds and accept potential hardship in an effort to make myself happy.  I have not yet achieved "good" without said passion.  So, in short, you won't find me waiting for something good to happen.  I haven't done so yet and I am not going to start now.  With all that said, I am happy in this moment on this day.  I am excited about a bright future but living each day as if it were my last.

jagged.

Like any uncharted territory I must seem greatly intriguing.  You speak of my love like you have experienced love like mine before.  But this is not allowed, you're uninvited.  An unfortunate slight.

...I don't think you unworthy.  I need a moment to deliberate.

accurate intuition.

She was stretched out, lounging if you will, with all the beauty befitting a celebrity of her magnitude.  Famous in her own right she has been seducing men for years.  Rich men, poor men, old, and young – no one has been exempt from her allure.  Who would deny her, given her consistent adornment that shined so bright that a blind man would stop dead in his tracks to gaze in awe?

I was cursed with the gift of accurate intuition.  Unable to ignore my curse I often see the worst in others but feign trust in their character in an effort to keep peace.  With one look at her I felt an icy chill travel from the heels of my feet to the nape of my neck.  I was unable to interact with her without seeing the empty shell that lies behind her bright face.  Given half of a chance I would trade my curse for the naive shroud that drapes most of the fools sauntering thru their seemingly blissful lives for they have the fast and easy lane down Father Time’s freeway.

Refusing to be party to her fruitless and hollow existence any further, I decided to walk away with nothing but my best wishes for her and those that love her.  This soulless diva is best known as Las Vegas.  I kiss her goodbye next week and won’t be looking back.      

Photo taken by Cicero Keating, 10/08/2012

all smiles.

I love the heartfelt gestures that you don't expect.  A message I received just moments ago from a long-time friend:

"You're an amazing teacher and the best role model anyone could ask for!"

He also went on to say:

"I totally think you are on the right path! I mean think back to that girl in the drag trailer, as much as she may have wanted to do you think she ever in a million years thought she would get out of Jacksonville, let alone North Carolina? As much as you've helped me grow, I've thoroughly enjoyed watching you grow as well, your not like everyone else you have to do things YOUR way and that's not always a bad thing, you make your own path and follow your heart wherever it leads. Trust in yourself, I don't want to say your always right about everything, however when it comes to the big stuff, the life altering decisions you always have this sort of heightened sense of what needs to be done! So do as you've always done and follow your heart wherever it may lead you, and always know that no matter what (even if its only in spirit) I'm right by your side supporting whatever decisions you make!"

I am not blogging this message to glorify myself by any means.  I am blogging it so I can read it every time the skies around me seem dark and I feel like giving up.  I have the most amazing friends/family that any person could ask for!

ravages of spirit...

Every moment marked
With apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
Trying to escape this desire
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
But I have the sense to recognize
That I don't know how to let you go
I do what I have to do

gypsy.

I have always followed my heart, sometimes to a fault.  All too often someone that I love gets hurt in the crossfire of my decision.  But when I know in my heart of hearts what has to be done, I do it no matter the consequence.  With that in mind, I am ever so grateful for the career opportunity handed to me with Imagine That! in Las Vegas, Nevada, however I am resigning on the best of terms to follow my heart back to the city that holds my heart.  Dallas, Texas found me by mistake in January 2010 and has refused to let go of me since.  I escaped to Las Vegas in October 2012 and I gave it my all.  After weeks of deliberation I have made the choice to return to Dallas.  I feel I have unfinished business and more memories to be made with my life in Texas.  I have no regrets and am glad I gave Las Vegas a chance.  I have met some wonderful people on this short journey.  It is my hope that we will remain friends for many years to come.  I feel a little lost today as I close a short chapter in my autobiography but I am thrilled to ponder the possibilities of this next journey.  I leave Las Vegas on February 15^th 2013 a better person than when I arrived on October 7^th 2012.  Call me a gypsy if you must… I’ve been called worse.  But at the end of the day I live my life in a way that makes me happy so that I may leave this world a bit brighter than when I found it.  

Over You

Weather Man said it’s gonna snow
By now I should be used to the cold
Mid-February shouldn’t be so scary
It was only December
I still remember the presents, the tree, you and me
But you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I’ll be OK
But I’m not going to ever get over you
Living alone here in this place
I think of you, and I’m not afraid
Your favorite records make me feel better
Cause you sing along
With every song
I know you didn’t mean to give them to me
But you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I’ll be OK
But I’m not going to ever get over you

vigor

A roundtrip visit to the outskirts of hell takes a week’s time or you can take the journey one-way to midtown for the low low cost of your life.   One roundtrip visit for me is all I needed to know I do not wish to visit again.  I am back with renewed vigor and a new lease on life.  LIVE STRONG!