unpenetrable.

It's dark.  It's dark out there and it's dark in here.  In this room and in my head.  When did I stop loving darkness?  I suppose that shift may have occurred when everything in my life did a 180.  Wow, so much power wielded by one person.  The strength it took to walk away from everything I had ever known and break free from the comforts and security that sustain most people for a lifetime, well, it is nothing short of incomparable.  So now as I sit here afraid of darkness and think back on those memories as if they are playing on a reel and the lead character isn't myself but instead an average-looking actor who cleans up well for the camera, acting out some fantastic story for the amusement of others.  That couldn't have been me.  I am weak.  The darkness comes every night to steal that fake smile I have mastered and fill my being with hopelessness.  I hate needing another person for anything, especially comradery.  I should be made of stone by now, given all the wounds I have suffered.  One big scab, unpenetrable to all weapons of this world.  Yet, in this dark room I don't feel strong enough to change the things in my life that keep me anchored to mediocrity.  The ties that bind me to sadness.  I am surrounded by a planet littered with overpopulation yet not one person would understand.  I'm just an actor.  Nothing they see is real.  I want to return to the chapter labeled Fall/Winter 2010.  When, for the first time and last, I can truly recall being happy.  Purely happy.  Without expectations or desires for anything beyond that day.