Guong Dong Zodiac
I find myself surprised lately by the difficulty I am having connecting to new people in my life. When I was just a tot I remember reading my Chinese zodiac at the Guong Dong Chinese Buffet in Wilmington NC and it read "You will make few but lasting friendships." The animal that the zodiac connected me to was the boar - not flattering! ...but I digress... None the less, that has always stuck with me and it seems to be fairly accurate. I have met many people on my journey but very few can be classified as friends. And to cull the herd even more I can count on my fingers the ones that have stayed in touch throughout the years. My latest challenge has been making an initial connection. My experience in Dallas is that most are caught in a routine and do not have time to welcome someone new to their lives. The few that have extended friendship were pushed away by yours truly. I haven't pushed anyone away on purpose, however, I'm noticing a pattern that shocks even me. I seem to come up with some great excuses why I'm unable to get very close to people. This is not typical behavior for me and anyone that knows Cicero knows that I am THE super-social butterfly! Well, to anyone reading this that feels like I have pushed you away, you should know that it isn't personal (unless I told you otherwise) and that it's something I'm trying to work thru. xoxoxo
Pool-side
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Divorce
The last remaining thread that connected me to my former life was broken yesterday. When I drove away from Wilmington my fiance', Joshua, and I agreed to stay together and do the long distance thing until he was done with college. Apparently we both shared similar thoughts because he called me yesterday to tell me that he wanted out of the relationship, only seconds before I was going to mention it. Though the breakup is mutual it has been very emotionally draining. Joshua was my world for almost three years and he changed my life in many ways. We have agreed to remain best friends but we all know that just isn't the same. It's going to take a few weeks at least before I can celebrate my new freedom but until then I will mourn the loss of my "marriage" to another person on this Earth. xoxoxo
Dallas
With the sound of Mr. Jones, sang by Counting Crows, I drowned out the sound of my echoing heart beat. With sweaty palms I gripped the sizzling hot, leather wheel cover as I anticipated the green light we awaited. That was the day Jared and I would meet our son, our new Dalmatian puppy. Jared saw the advertisement in the newspaper the previous day and only one was left from the litter. The intoxicating excitement rushed through my body like venom as I knew he would be mine within the hour.
The sun smiled brightly from his thrown, illuminating the earth with a summertime glow. Flowers were blooming with happiness on the sides of the road, while birds and bees buzzed about their business in what seemed like an effort to share my bliss. Nothing could have spoiled our day. This was the day Jared and I would find our common ground… something to tie us together closer than before.
We knew nothing about our newest family member at this point. It was like the nervous anticipation of a mother not knowing the gender of her soon-coming baby. The faint smell of mystery and purpose walked hand in hand with honeysuckle, dandelion, and coconut air-freshener that summer day.
As my car approached the driveway of my destination, I fought each tree and obstacle in my line of sight for just a glimpse of my new glory. Sound of rocks inching my tires along accompanied my arrival while I gaze at the blue van parked directly ahead. The driver climbed down from her seat to greet us. In her weekend best, this humble lady had a focus much greater than her own appearance. With un-kept attire and hair pulled back, she had an aura of peace and tranquility.
From a distance I stare into the window at a filing crate perched in the front passenger seat. I anticipated a black and white speckled head to pop out atop the crate wall. My expectations were dismembered as the side door slams open. Out hopped the goofiest monster of a dog I had ever witnessed. With a head much too large for his body and an awkward bunny hop, he could not have won my affection any quicker. He was the runt and for good reason. Though, how could I have been so fortunate? With eyes bigger than silver dollars and a personality of a circus clown, who couldn't love him?
He accompanied Jared in the passenger seat on our ride home. The journey home was amusing as his yawns and fatigue were met with a fight to stay focused. He gazed out the window, mapping his journey until he reached his new home.
Dallas has been a member of our family for almost three years. With loyalty that stretches the world over and love deeper than the ocean, I couldn't have dreamed him into existence any more perfect. I have to wonder, do I make him as happy as he makes me?
This is a true story - one written many years ago for my college English class
The sun smiled brightly from his thrown, illuminating the earth with a summertime glow. Flowers were blooming with happiness on the sides of the road, while birds and bees buzzed about their business in what seemed like an effort to share my bliss. Nothing could have spoiled our day. This was the day Jared and I would find our common ground… something to tie us together closer than before.
We knew nothing about our newest family member at this point. It was like the nervous anticipation of a mother not knowing the gender of her soon-coming baby. The faint smell of mystery and purpose walked hand in hand with honeysuckle, dandelion, and coconut air-freshener that summer day.
As my car approached the driveway of my destination, I fought each tree and obstacle in my line of sight for just a glimpse of my new glory. Sound of rocks inching my tires along accompanied my arrival while I gaze at the blue van parked directly ahead. The driver climbed down from her seat to greet us. In her weekend best, this humble lady had a focus much greater than her own appearance. With un-kept attire and hair pulled back, she had an aura of peace and tranquility.
From a distance I stare into the window at a filing crate perched in the front passenger seat. I anticipated a black and white speckled head to pop out atop the crate wall. My expectations were dismembered as the side door slams open. Out hopped the goofiest monster of a dog I had ever witnessed. With a head much too large for his body and an awkward bunny hop, he could not have won my affection any quicker. He was the runt and for good reason. Though, how could I have been so fortunate? With eyes bigger than silver dollars and a personality of a circus clown, who couldn't love him?
He accompanied Jared in the passenger seat on our ride home. The journey home was amusing as his yawns and fatigue were met with a fight to stay focused. He gazed out the window, mapping his journey until he reached his new home.
Dallas has been a member of our family for almost three years. With loyalty that stretches the world over and love deeper than the ocean, I couldn't have dreamed him into existence any more perfect. I have to wonder, do I make him as happy as he makes me?
This is a true story - one written many years ago for my college English class
Pedestrians, Tour Guides, and Fellow Travelers
In the silence I discover the meaning of common phrases that didn't fully make sense before. Today I was giving some advice to a friend (I seem to be the love guru lately) about finding happiness in yourself when suddenly a light bulb went off and everything actually connected. We always say you can't expect others to love you if you don't love yourself but I find this to be true with simple pleasures and everyday happiness. "He makes me happy" he said. I said "no he doesn't... he adds to your happiness." I realize this could be a little over-analytical but when you take apart the meaning of the words you say you will realize they aren't always what you meant to say. So, if you hop from one relationship to another without ever finding happiness in yourself chances are you that you will affix all your happiness on the shoulders of your lover. I can't imagine that is healthy. What happens when the lover passes on or decides to dump you? In my journey I'm forcing myself to find happiness in my solitude. I know this will make me stronger and I can be a functional partner in my relationships. The people we meet are merely pedestrians, tour guides, and fellow travelers on this road. I wont make the mistake of forcing someone else to carry me again. xoxoxo
Desiderada
“Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, And remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, Be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; And listen to others, even the dull and ignorant;
They too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
They are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others,
You may become vain or bitter, For always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; It is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, For the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; Many persons strive for high ideals,
And everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love; For in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
It is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the council of years,
Gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a healthy discipline, Be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; You have a right to be here,
And whether or not it is clear to you, No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore, be at peace with God, Whatever you conceive him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations, In the noisy confusion of life,
Keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
It is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.”
Author Unknown although some maintain that this piece was written by Max Erhmann
As far as possible, without surrender, Be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; And listen to others, even the dull and ignorant;
They too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
They are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others,
You may become vain or bitter, For always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; It is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, For the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; Many persons strive for high ideals,
And everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love; For in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
It is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the council of years,
Gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a healthy discipline, Be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; You have a right to be here,
And whether or not it is clear to you, No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore, be at peace with God, Whatever you conceive him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations, In the noisy confusion of life,
Keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
It is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.”
Author Unknown although some maintain that this piece was written by Max Erhmann
Satu Harris
From 2005 until 2010 I worked for Verizon Wireless in Wilmington, NC and developed relationships with hundreds of co-workers. I would most certainly consider Verizon my extended family. Well, my family is going thru a tough time which saddens me. I didn't know her personally but many of my friends considered Satu Harris to be an exceptional person. She was well-known for her smile and her positive attitude. Last week she was taken from us by a drunk driver. I can give love advice until the cows come home but I fall short when it comes to comforting someone in such circumstances as these. With the amount of sadness I feel, I can't fathom what her actual friends and family must be going thru. We all must leave this world at some point but it always weighs heavier on the heart when someone passes away by the hand of another filled with hate or just from someone else's poor decisions to get behind the wheel intoxicated. My thoughts and prayers are with Satu's friends and family! xoxoxo
Mirror Mirror On The Wall
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Censor The Negative
I can't help but feel like I'm at a pivotal point in my life. I have learned in my 26 years on this planet that when darkness creeps in, light is just ahead. So, with that said, I admit to feeling emotionally dissatisfied but I am remaining positive as I know I will be out of the woods soon. I made the choice last week to censor the negative influences in my life; that has continued into this week. An old friend who has used my kindness as a revolving door has walked back in once again. This time, after pondering the options for one day, have decided to close that door and lock it. I care so much about making people happy that it is EXTREMELY difficult for me to walk away from a friendship. However, I refuse to allow someone to associate with me only when it's convenient for them.
My new life in Texas is a good one; I would like for everyone to think it's better than it is. Truthfully, I'm very lonely most days. I feel like a prophet roaming the desert for answers. Okay, so maybe that's a little extreme, but I do feel lost. I have made friends and met countless people but I don't feel like I have found what I left home in search of. That's not entirely true actually... I left for peace of mind and in search of happiness and I did reach that on a minuscule level. On this topic my thoughts begin to scatter. I am overrun with thoughts, ideas, and emotions so I am going to make this short. I will revisit this topic when I can be more clear and concise. xoxoxo
My new life in Texas is a good one; I would like for everyone to think it's better than it is. Truthfully, I'm very lonely most days. I feel like a prophet roaming the desert for answers. Okay, so maybe that's a little extreme, but I do feel lost. I have made friends and met countless people but I don't feel like I have found what I left home in search of. That's not entirely true actually... I left for peace of mind and in search of happiness and I did reach that on a minuscule level. On this topic my thoughts begin to scatter. I am overrun with thoughts, ideas, and emotions so I am going to make this short. I will revisit this topic when I can be more clear and concise. xoxoxo
What's In A Name?
I get many comments on my middle name, Cicero. I love my name and that's why as an adult I decided it was the name I would be addressed by. Of course I still have childhood friends and some family that refuse to call me this but I don't let them get to me; I know they mean well. Well, for those that have never heard the name Cicero I always try to give a one-line history lesson on how great the first Cicero was. He was a character in the movie Gladiator, a neighborhood in Chicago IL, a city in New York, an ancient Roman philosipher, and most important, Cicero is me! Well, here is what wikipedia has to say about Cicero the first...
"Cicero is generally held to be one of the most versatile minds of ancient Rome. An impressive orator and successful lawyer, Cicero thought that his political career was his most important achievement. Today, he is appreciated primarily for his humanism and philosophical and political writings. His voluminous correspondence, much of it addressed to his friend Atticus, has been especially influential, introducing the art of refined letter writing to European culture. Cicero's speeches and letters remain some of the most important primary sources that survive on the last days of the Roman Republic. During the chaotic latter half of the first century B.C. marked by civil wars and the dictatorship of Gaius Julius Caesar, Cicero championed a return to the traditional republican government. However, his career as a statesman was marked by inconsistencies and a tendency to shift his position in response to changes in the political climate. His indecision may be attributed to his sensitive and impressionable personality; he was prone to overreaction in the face of political and private change. "Would that he had been able to endure prosperity with greater self-control and adversity with more fortitude!" wrote C. Asinius Pollio, a contemporary Roman statesman and historian. Cicero was born in 106 BC in Arpinum, a hill town 100 kilometers (60 miles) south of Rome. So, although a great master of Latin rhetoric and composition, Cicero was not "Roman" in the traditional sense, and was quite self-conscious of this for his entire life. Cicero's childhood dream was "Always to be best and far to excel the others," a line taken from Homer's Iliad. Cicero's cognomen, or personal surname, comes from the Latin for chickpea. In 60 BC Julius Caesar invited Cicero to be the fourth member of his existing partnership with Pompey and Marcus Lucinius Crasses, an assembly that would eventually be called the First Triumvirate. Cicero refused the invitation because he suspected it would undermine the Republic."
To make a long story very short, he was a remarkable man. His story has a tragic ending but his life represented so much that is good in the world. Don't take my word for it, do some studying on Cicero. xoxoxo
"Cicero is generally held to be one of the most versatile minds of ancient Rome. An impressive orator and successful lawyer, Cicero thought that his political career was his most important achievement. Today, he is appreciated primarily for his humanism and philosophical and political writings. His voluminous correspondence, much of it addressed to his friend Atticus, has been especially influential, introducing the art of refined letter writing to European culture. Cicero's speeches and letters remain some of the most important primary sources that survive on the last days of the Roman Republic. During the chaotic latter half of the first century B.C. marked by civil wars and the dictatorship of Gaius Julius Caesar, Cicero championed a return to the traditional republican government. However, his career as a statesman was marked by inconsistencies and a tendency to shift his position in response to changes in the political climate. His indecision may be attributed to his sensitive and impressionable personality; he was prone to overreaction in the face of political and private change. "Would that he had been able to endure prosperity with greater self-control and adversity with more fortitude!" wrote C. Asinius Pollio, a contemporary Roman statesman and historian. Cicero was born in 106 BC in Arpinum, a hill town 100 kilometers (60 miles) south of Rome. So, although a great master of Latin rhetoric and composition, Cicero was not "Roman" in the traditional sense, and was quite self-conscious of this for his entire life. Cicero's childhood dream was "Always to be best and far to excel the others," a line taken from Homer's Iliad. Cicero's cognomen, or personal surname, comes from the Latin for chickpea. In 60 BC Julius Caesar invited Cicero to be the fourth member of his existing partnership with Pompey and Marcus Lucinius Crasses, an assembly that would eventually be called the First Triumvirate. Cicero refused the invitation because he suspected it would undermine the Republic."
To make a long story very short, he was a remarkable man. His story has a tragic ending but his life represented so much that is good in the world. Don't take my word for it, do some studying on Cicero. xoxoxo
Positive Changes
Humans were built with the capacity to love yet it seems to me that the average person spends more energy hating something or someone. The negative vibes have the ability to drag down my spirit. Well, I'm always the first to preach to my friends and family about how we can't change anyone but ourselves. With that being said I'm making it my conscience effort to practice what I preach. "Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others" is an excerpt from one of my favorite readings. So here's my goal... every time someone does something or says something to me that I view as negative I'm going to do or say something positive to them or someone else. I will not focus on the negative anymore. I have spent so much time in my short life being bitter about the way people treat me and others around them. It's all time wasted and I refuse to carry on like that. Take this for example, a friend says they will call tomorrow so we can plan a trip to the mall or to dinner. I haven't seen this friend in weeks and I'm totally excited about seeing them but I'm let down when they don't call or show for days. I will spend that time calling and making plans with someone I may have neglected instead of sulking about the friend that was too busy. Okay, so yeah, this all sounds good in writing but let's see if I can enforce this positive change into my life. Keep you posted! (Oh, and before I forget, this began yesterday when I deleted phone numbers of people that constantly cause me to feel bad about myself. I'm serious about weeding out the bad!) xoxoxo
Love Happens
In Jan 2010 I decided to get out of the city I had grown up in and move across the country. In search of adventure, love, and freedom I landed on my feet in Dallas, Texas. I intended to make it to Vegas where I would reside with an old friend but fate had a different plan for me. I brought with me only what would fit into my Mustang; clothes, my electric wok, and makeup (the necessities). I resigned from my job of 5 years in the wireless industry and said goodbye to all of my loved ones, however, I wasn't entirely alone. I brought along one of my best friends, Kyle. He and I made the decision to stay in Dallas together and we began to build our lives back. After a brief experience of living together we decided alternate arrangements would be necessary for sanity's sake. I have recently moved to another part of town and share an apartment with a new friend. When I arrived I found something so symbolic that I was almost moved to tears. Given I don't actually cry (a blog entry for another day), let's just say I was extremely moved. In my new bedroom hung a lone poster for a Jennifer Aniston movie. Surrounded by pure walls and iluminated by the window's sunlight were the words "Sometimes when you least expect it... Love Happens." If only you could understand how much I seek love from every corner of the Earth then you would grasp the symbolism. I left the poster hanging where the former tenant left it and I plan to frame it. You can be assured that it will be going in the Mustang with me the next time I skip town. xoxoxo
Working
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Relationship With Myself
I'm no Carrie Bradshaw but I live so deep inside of my head that I always have an opinion. I don't understand what people mean when they say "in love." The emotions they describe are ones I could relate to in hundreds of on my own stories. People also say that you can't know love right out the gate (unless, of course, you were lucky enough to be the recipient of love at first site) but I don't buy that either. A friend of mine (names are withheld to protect the guilty) recently met a guy (approx 1 month ago) and was ready to move in cause he was sure he loved him. Naturally we told him he was crazy, "you just met the guy." Right? Then I gave it some thought and changed my answer to "why not?" Why is it hard to believe that he actually loves this dude? Maybe he isn't IN LOVE but love is all around us and inside of us. Worst case scenario is this poor schmuck gets dumped and struggles to find a roommate to replace the ex-boyfriend's half of rent. Then we have yet another life lesson under our belt and we grow stronger than we were before. Best case scenario is they live happily ever after *coughs, bull shit.* It's a win-win situation! Okay, so now you probably think I'm crass and bitter. I promise I am those things but I'm also a realist. I have the ability to love everyone to a fault. I don't love myself enough and it causes me to become dependant on others to make me happy. The concept of loving yourself is so incredibly foreign to me. I can be extremely vain and I can act the part but when the day is done, I look in the mirror and wish I were something or someone else. So, in the spirit of Sex And The City I must say that I have been in a relationship with myself for 26 years and that's the one I need to work on.
Get Over You by: Cicero
I ponder my reason for loving you so
I stress the debate to stay or go
My energy is wasted or so it should seem
A reality fit for a bad dream
You deserve love like all of mankind
But you shouldn’t get all of mine
Why won’t you feel like a human should
And be the lover I thought you would
You dismiss me like a hobo you pass
Then attack my feelings with words so crass
“Stop being a sensitive Suzie” you say
Like flipping a switch from night to day
I guess I should learn to bury my heart
Or bury your body would be a start
Scorned and burned, broken in two
How long will it take to get over you
I stress the debate to stay or go
My energy is wasted or so it should seem
A reality fit for a bad dream
You deserve love like all of mankind
But you shouldn’t get all of mine
Why won’t you feel like a human should
And be the lover I thought you would
You dismiss me like a hobo you pass
Then attack my feelings with words so crass
“Stop being a sensitive Suzie” you say
Like flipping a switch from night to day
I guess I should learn to bury my heart
Or bury your body would be a start
Scorned and burned, broken in two
How long will it take to get over you
First Time At The Rodeo
So, here it goes, my first blog. I can honestly say that for once, I am lost for words. I was inspired by my BFF Julie to begin such madness as she and I pretty much share the same brain. She is much wittier than I (if that's even possible) and I hope she hasn't inspired a challenge that is gonna occupy my every thought. Knowing me, I will become addicted to yet another website. My former lover is Myspace and my current boyfriend is Facebook. Find me on FB if you wish under Cicero Hobbes. Well, I'm gonna make this first entry a short one as I am feeling quite scatter-brained at the moment. xoxoxo
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