love.
Everyone should know what it feels like to be loved. Loved by someone they admire. The coldest hearts melt and become positively cheerful when they experience such admiration. In spite of what anyone says LOVE is the most amazing and valuable treasure one can have, and all beings benefit from experiencing it.
inseparable.
August 15, 2015 marked four years since that beautiful mess blew into my life, leaving me a beautiful disaster as well. When I first laid eyes on him I was immediately awe struck. I knew I loved him. I had just the right combination of cocaine and liquor in me to be brave enough to walk up to him and spark a spirited conversation. We exchanged numbers but I never expected I'd hear from him again. To my delight, he sent a text the very next day, and we became instantly inseparable. Very few days past that we didn't see each other after work. Most nights he slept next to me in my bed. Sometimes I'd sleep over at his place. He even made dinner one night for my closest friends at his place. He was so excited to show off his culinary skills. He was almost mine for several years, until the weight of ambiguity became too great, and it all came crashing down. Because of that lived-thru experience I won't allow myself to settle for anyone who is afraid of commitment again. Who left a hole in me that I'm sure no one will ever be able to fill. And I'm just not prepared to live thru this pain all over again.
author.unknown.
"Through the strength of your arms, I realized I was off the mark.
All I really wanted was a pair of interested ears.
I learned that for every... pause, I was almost guaranteed more time to speak.
It's always the selfish who say that life is way too short.
I'm not looking to get old, but I bet it'll happen anyway.
Now I look at my hands they don't move the same as two years ago.
At a slow steady pace, I made my way back home.
At least there I won't be ashamed.
Earlier today I felt the warmth as the skin it held the heat,
now the city surrounds me in different tones of gray.
Those are the same cries that make my bones shake...
Those are the same assholes that take more than they can handle.
I'm alone, but I'm not lonely.
I have kinetic energy.
The dividing line will separate us all.
Sometimes it's those nights,
where I'm all I have is really all I need..."
control.
Day twelve will soon come to an end and I'm still riding the sober train. I'm proud of my progress and couldn't be happier with the results thus far. I lost so much during the last few years on drugs, but I know I'll regain all that I deserve. I don't know what tomorrow holds and I'm learning to make peace with that fact. I realize my frustration with others is because they don't act as I would in a given situation. With that realization comes the awareness that I try too often to control people and events. I simply cannot, however, control anything except me. My own actions and reactions. If I choose to love someone I must accept that they might not love me in return. Or they may not love me they way I want them to. But I should love them just the same. I also must stop wasting energy on people who don't deserve my energy. I spin my wheels trying to make friendships and relationships work, then become angry when things don't play out as I wanted them to. Silly me!
numb.
I have awaken with a hole inside of my soul. It seems I'm finally out of the woods for my addiction to drugs as I'm sailing thru day eleven, curled up in my bed no less, but if I was being completely honest I find myself wanting to numb myself. I want to numb that lonely feeling inside. Why are other gay men so guarded with their hearts? I will be the first to declare my thoughts and feelings but it seems so few will follow suite. I find myself constantly having to censor the words I wish to use out of fear that I may send someone else running in the opposite direction. Why is love so taboo? Why is using the word "love" such a horrible sin? Most people claim to want love but when they meet it face to face they piss themselves like frightened children. I'm so beyond frustrated with giving my love away and not experiencing reciprocation. I'm so beyond exasperated with feeling lonely day after day. Drugs might suck on many levels but it kept me company and kept me from feeling real emotions. Fuck!
carpe.diem.
As I sat in a warm and salty bubble bath tonight I began to feel little sparks of hopefulness finally surfacing in what can only be described as the third hardest experience of my life. Giving up drugs was something I didn't expect to be very hard for me. After all, I'm a Libran and we are not prone to addictions. I never could have imagined the torture I have endured these six days. It has been a long drawn out exorcism and the demon isn't leaving my body without one hell of a fight. For two days I have fought flu symptoms atop the other shenanigans my body has seesaw'd thru: fatigue, soreness, never ending hunger. But those sparks of hope came tonight, to signal the help that is just around the bend. I daydreamed of how wonderful life is going to be in the years to come. Without drugs suddenly everything feels possible again. I want to take my art more seriously. I want a man that cherishes me and is firm with me when I need firmness. I want to host dinner parties like I used to. I want good clean friends around me. I want to be part of a book or poetry club. I might even want to adopt a child someday. Gosh, I just want to be proud of the life I lived when my time has come to an end. I'm so glad I made the decision to give up drugs finally. I'm so ready to feel good again, but I'll suffer thru these trials as I know I'm only going to be stronger for it in the end. And in case you wondered what the two hardest things I've done were... Second was leaving my fiancé and my home to embark on a new life in Texas. And the hardest thing I've ever done was leaving Danny Benitez, my soul mate, and moving to Vegas. I have never cried so hard in my entire life and I hope I never feel that pain again. Carpe that fucking diem!
day.four.
So here it is, the farewell to Day Four. I will soon close my eyes to rest and will wake up to embark on the journey of Day Five. I look in the mirror and see a younger, healthier face. I see a body that didn't balloon up as I had feared would happen. I haven't much energy but not much energy is required for this evening. I'm confident that my energy will begin to soar in the coming days. I'm alone but I have a purpose. I'm alone but I'm not making friends with regret any longer. Being alone before felt like a slow death. Being alone now feels like a slow ascension to the throne. I'm okay with being alone for now, as I trust the universe will surround me with love from kindred spirits. I'm shedding the old and open to new possibilities. I'm going to make Day Five my bitch!
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