The Golden Age

My favorite person who ever lived is Queen Elizabeth I.  She was the last of the Tudor dynasty.  She took her country from broken and in debt to being the strongest empire in Europe and all without the need for a man.  Her reign will forever be known as "The Golden Age"

Cate Blanchett as Elizabeth I

All Things Libra

Libra is the only inanimate sign of the zodiac, all the others representing either humans or animals. Many modern astrologers regard it as the most desirable of zodiacal types because it represents the zenith of the year, the high point of the seasons, when the harvest of all the hard work of the spring is reaped. There is a mellowness and sense of relaxation in the air as mankind enjoys the last of the summer sun and the fruits of his toil. Librans too are among the most civilized of the twelve zodiacal characters and are often good looking. They have elegance, charm and good taste, are naturally kind, very gentle, and lovers of beauty, harmony (both in music and social living) and the pleasures that these bring.
They have good critical faculty and are able to stand back and look impartially at matters which call for an impartial judgment to be made on them. But they do not tolerate argument from anyone who challenges their opinions, for once they have reached a conclusion, its truth seems to them self-evident; and among their faults is an impatience of criticism and a greed for approval. But their characters are on the whole balanced, diplomatic and even tempered.
Librans are sensitive to the needs of others and have the gift, sometimes to an almost psychic extent, of understanding the emotional needs of their companions and meeting them with their own innate optimism - they are the kind of people of whom it is said, "They always make you feel better for having been with them." They are very social human beings. They loathe cruelty, viciousness and vulgarity and detest conflict between people, so they do their best to cooperate and compromise with everyone around them, and their ideal for their own circle and for society as a whole is unity.
Their cast of mind is artistic rather than intellectual, though they are usually too moderate and well balanced to be avant garde in any artistic endeavor. They have good perception and observation and their critical ability, with which they are able to view their own efforts as well as those of others, gives their work integrity.
In their personal relationships they show understanding of the other person's point of view, trying to resolve any differences by compromise, and are often willing to allow claims against themselves to be settled to their own disadvantage rather than spoil a relationship. They like the opposite sex to the extent of promiscuity sometimes, and may indulge in romanticism bordering on sentimentality.
Their marriages, however, stand a good chance of success because they are frequently the union of "true minds". The Libran's continuing kindness toward his or her partner mollifies any hurt the latter may feel if the two have had a tiff. Nor can the Libran's spouse often complain that he or she is not understood, for the Libran is usually the most empathetic of all the zodiacal types and the most ready to tolerate the beloved's failings.
The negative Libran character may show frivolity, flirtatiousness and shallowness. It can be changeable and indecisive, impatient of routine, colorlessly conventional and timid, easygoing to the point of inertia, seldom angry when circumstances demand a show of annoyance at least; and yet Librans can shock everyone around them with sudden storms of rage. Their love of pleasure may lead them into extravagance; Libran men can degenerate into reckless gamblers, and Libran women extravagant, jealous and careless about money sometimes squander their wealth and talents in their overenthusiasm for causes which they espouse. Both sexes can become great gossipers. A characteristic of the type is an insatiable curiosity that tempts them to enquire into every social scandal in their circle.

In their work the description "lazy Libra" which is sometimes given is actually more alliterative than true. Librans can be surprisingly energetic, though it is true that they dislike coarse, dirty work. Although some are modestly content, others are extremely ambitious. With their dislike of extremes they make good diplomats but perhaps poor party politicians, for they are moderate in their opinions and able to see other points of view. They can succeed as administrators, lawyers (they have a strong sense of justice, which cynics might say could handicap them in a legal career), antique dealers, civil servants and bankers, for they are trustworthy in handling other people's money. Some Librans are gifted in fashion designing or in devising new cosmetics; others may find success as artists, composers, critics, writers, interior decorators, welfare workers or valuers, and they have an ability in the management of all sorts of public entertainment. Some work philanthropically for humanity with great self-disciple and significant results. Libran financiers sometimes make good speculators, for they have the optimism and ability to recover from financial crashes.

The Jump Off

(This will become the first paragraph to a chapter in my humorous autobiography)

I had taken a vacation with Danny once before when we decided to visit my hometown in North Carolina and yet again I found myself willing to be strapped in for the sort of shenanigans usually reserved for a Seth McFarlane film.  I will always choose flying over cross-country driving, God bless the Wright brothers, however, that previous experience with Danny on an airplane resulted in being tackled by four female flight attendants, who probably double as linebackers in their spare time, and then asked never to choose American Airlines again.  Needless to say, Danny has an irrational fear of planes that is hazardous for the health of anyone involved.    So as to avoid another tumultuous journey we decided to drive this go-round.  South Padre Island, Texas was our destination and relaxation was our goal.  Our relationship can be classified as nothing less than ambiguous and I saw this not only as an opportunity to meet his family but also to relieve some of the pressure on said relationship caused by his recent diagnosis of being a shit stain on the skivvies of life.  

Winds Of Change - October 2012

I was always trepidatious about making any decision that would alter my every-day life.  Now I am experiencing déjà vu as it is time to embark on a new journey.  In January of 2010 I left my home in Wilmington, North Carolina to find myself in this world.  I packed my car with my clothes, a jewelry box my fiancé had gifted to me, and an electric wok.  Everything else was left to be stored, given away, or sold to strangers on craigslist.  I was planning to move west to live in Las Vegas, Nevada with one of my dearest friends.  Well, to make a long story short I didn’t get that far, rather made a last minute decision to start my new life in Dallas, Texas.  Dallas has been a wild ride filled with disappointment, maniacal adventures, lost loves, new loves, new friends, and a shitload of life experience.  With a new store-bought smile on my face to boot, I can honestly say that I have never been as comfortable in my own skin as I am now.  Things that once bothered me to my core now roll right off my back.  I am happy.  I digress.  Now I move on to the next chapter of my life.  I have been presented with an opportunity that will carry me on to Las Vegas.  Seems serendipitous, right?  I love Dallas so much that I have reached out for excuses to pass up this opportunity but my hands come up empty every time.  All signs point west again.  I have reminded myself, just as I did regarding Wilmington in 2010, that Dallas will still be here for many years to come, short of a zombie apocalypse, and I can always come back if I see fit.  I came to find myself and I think I did.  Now I will press forward not only to maintain but also to flourish and succeed.

Fashionably Late

I wrote this a year ago but never posted it...

I am irrevocably in love with him.  He invades my thoughts while I am awake and boldly haunts me in my dreams.  Try as I may I am unable to forget his existence and how much my heart longs for his mere presence.  I haven’t looked upon his face in three months and four days and haven’t had any type of relationship with him in six months.  The fact that the stench of rotting love is as fresh in my nostrils as it was six months ago is nothing short of deplorable.  This morning I awoke with a smile until ten seconds later I remembered he raped my emotions as I slumbered last night.  With riotous anger I ripped back the bedding, placed my feet on the ground, and pressed on toward the day ahead with gritted teeth.  

To my core...

I feel inadequate.  I am never good enough for anyone or anything.  I have run so far from home and I can’t even be sure what I am running from.  I never call the mother that raised me up from my baby years.  I feel like I have constantly let her down.  If only I were as strong and responsible as she.  My biological mother loves me, of course, but she has no need for me.  It has always seemed as if she can take me or leave me – no worries.  My father hasn’t spoken to me in four years.  He got the son he never wanted – gay.  He blames God.  Aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. all look at me with judgment.  I have no wife, kids, or mortgage.  Shame on me!  None of my former lovers want me back.  Shouldn’t somebody out there regret letting me slip away?  (Person A) is the love of my life.  My dream guy.  My knight in Republican armor.  But I was too flashy, too crazy, too attention seeking, too dramatic.  Now he is gone.  Figuratively and literally.  (Person B) came along when I wasn’t expecting to love anyone – ever again!  It was last summer and few months after (Person A) had found his new love.  (Person B) made me forget my misery.  (Person B) made me smile again.  Much to my dismay, however, I wasn’t adequate again.  (Person B) wants a manly man.  A hot man.  Muscles.  I am none of those things.  For a better part of my life I have considered myself a girl to my core.  I have stuck by his side and loved him so hard in hopes that he would fall deeply in love with me.  But he never will.  When will I be loved?

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

“I hope that one day you will have the experience of doing something you do not understand for someone you love.”

“I hope you never love anything as much as I love you.”

“She had fallen in love so many times that she began to suspect she was not falling in love at all, but doing something much more ordinary.”

“I have suffered so much more than I needed to. And the joys I have felt have not always been joyous.”

“At night the Nothing light from the guest room spilled under the Nothing door and stained the Something hallway, there’s nothing to say.”

“I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all of the lives I’m not living”

“I would give everything never to think about her again, I can only hold on to the things I want to lose.”

“I told her I already was a great artist, because that’s how unsure of myself I was”

“We stopped laughing, I took the world into me, rearranged it, and sent it back out as a question….”