friction.fiction.

So there I was having just ran a marathon of errands with a friend and was rushing home to meet up with another friend and the roomie for what promised to be a lovely evening, when only seconds having parked my Mini I was ambushed by, not kindly ole Wal Mart greeters, but none other than the over-zealous girl (interrupted) next door! She had her dog leash in one hand, her cell phone in the other,... a friend following, and still found the space and time to run around in my business. She was Indian giving like it was back in style and pleading for an old worn out piece of wall junk that I had recently used to decorate my dank pantry wall. I assured miss thing that I had no grief over returning this beloved wall junk but the return of said junk would need to be postponed to a time when I wasn't sprinting thru my only afternoon off from the j.o.b. Fast forward about four steps later I suddenly found myself in a supermarket sweep showdown as she stormed my castle to repossess what clearly wasn't even favorable to peddle at a Waxahachie Swap Meet supporting transgendered truck drivers globally. Doing the most! So, I'm caught in this tornado of my flying hot Starbucks, three cats diving for their lives, and a mangy dog belonging to this Blair Bitch Project, when I realize my front door is now ping ponging off her hoof, her sister's hoof, and her flying monkey's. I can't even bat an eye before realizing my arm is being pulled and, like a ninja with a black belt in Underwater Basket Weaving, she is on her Cryus Wrecking Ball as she remodeled everything that separated her from that $.99 bonanza made of plaster that she so desperately needed back in her life five seconds ago. Wow, I guess when one has a hankering for a yard sale show stopper (door stopper is more like it), you should open your home and life that needy soul until she has gotten her fix. How dare I make demands on the comings and goings of my own home.

beige.

Beige.    I have worn my heart on my sleeve my entire life and made no apologies for it until now.  Now I wear my heart on my sleeve with panic and apology.  No one can be trusted to cherish me as I have cherished the ones I love.  I have lived many lives already.  I have gone by different names and experienced life thru the eyes of both genders.  I have lived on the east coast, Memphis, Dallas, and Las Vegas. I grew up one mile from the intracoastal waterway, affording me the luxury of taking a dip in the Atlantic Ocean every night after dinner.   I have traveled as far south as a car can travel, Key West in Florida and South Padre Island in Texas.  I have been to Los Angeles several times and New York City more times than LA.  I have sipped wine from vineyards in Virginia and I have gazed at the Grand Canyon in disbelief.  I have spent a week in New Jersey and fell in love with the city of Hoboken.  As a child I competed in the Pine Wood Derby Race and lost in the speed category but won the award for most attractive race car.  I won the Christian Character Award two years in a row out of the entire student body at Cornerstone Christian Academy for being the most “Christ like.”  As a teenager I auditioned for Field Commander in the marching band and was chosen to be the first alternate to fill the conductor shoes when a third conductor was needed for certain field maneuvers.  I represented my church at age 15 in a state-wide singing competition.  I pre-recorded my own voice as background vocals and won the competition’s silver metal.  My senior year of high school I started dressing in drag on the weekends for the sheer excitement of exploring a world I had never known.   Soon after I became a drag performer and quickly developed a fan base.  During the few years to follow I was paid to perform in more than 17 venues across the Carolinas.  At age 23 I competed in my first and last pageant against some of my finest drag performing peers.  Almost all of them were more popular than I and some were arguably more talented but I swept thru the pageant like a hurricane.  I had an amazing team of friends and eight trained back-up dancers that helped me bring the crown home.  I have lived in breath taking homes and luxury condos.  I have had gorgeous furniture and expensive clothes.  I have hosted lavish parties with guest lists that included doctors, lawyers, and college professors.  I maintained a GPA of 3.5 or better throughout my high school and college years.  At age 26 I got a deeply meaningful matching tattoo with one of my best friends, paid off my car, and packed my life into the backseat.  I gave away or sold most of my worldly possessions.  I then resigned from my job of five years, said goodbye to my fiancé, family, and friends and decided to start my life over in a strange city where I knew no one.  In recent years I have gotten every job I have applied for.  Many times I have had to turn away opportunities because I was fortunate enough to be offered several jobs at once.  I have dated some truly fantastic people in my years on Earth. I was with my high school sweetheart, Jared, for seven years before we came to a mutual understanding that we were better as friends than lovers.  He recently earned the title Genius thru his career with Apple and has full custody of our wonderful Dalmatian, Dallas.  Josh was the fiancé I left in my rearview mirror after three years together and we are still best friends.  He will soon complete his PhD in Education and we try to catch up by phone at least once a week.  I have met so many remarkable people on my journey and carry so many memories in my cloudy head.  I have a few friends that are well-known celebrities.  I have more “best friends” than I can count on one hand.  I have a strong sense of intuition that borders on what some might call psychic abilities.  I play several instruments and possess the talent to play any others that I desire.  I outgrew my piano teach within my first six months of piano lessons.  He had no choice but to set me free for he had nothing left to teach me.   I can draw, paint, and write quite well.  I’m not super model gorgeous but most would probably rank me above average in physical appearance.   I have truly been a favored child of the universe.  So why do I find myself trying to prove my worth to you?  Why do I find myself begging for you to love me?   In truth, can I expect you to bring anything to my life that I am lacking?  Probably not, so why is my spirit so broken over you?  Today, the skies above me and the skies inside me are beige.  Today is beige.  I pray for blue. 

mask.

The hardly noticeable bags under his eyes make for a nice but secretive hiding place for his tears kept out of view from the world. A treasure chest filled with the pain he carries so effortlessly. His body typically falls asleep a few hours out of each day but his mind endures chronic refusal at such rest stops. He drudges thru each hour with the weight of the world on his shoulders, clinging to the assumption that nightfall will pay a visit as it always has before, offering fool’s gold for the flesh; mind-numbing retreat without substance. He runs his ship aground trying to pacify everyone around him, leaving no water left to keep his own soul afloat. However, his efforts to appease seem futile. His energy is depleted with the high maintenance that comes with wearing a mask… a costume to fool the world into believing he is more than just okay, when in reality he is anything but okay. He craves their love and approval. He needs it. And who could love a broken person? So he cuts himself deeper with the lies he tells himself and the lies he has sold to the world, draining more of his own life than before.

I loved him. I loved him with an unconditional passion that only poets write about. This can be attributed largely to my being able to closely relate as I too am broken. I am weathered but still standing tall. I tried to be a lighthouse to his storm battered ship but failed miserably. Perhaps my lighthouse is too worn with years, causing my light to dim. Or perhaps my light was too strong, sending him fleeing in the opposite direction. In spite of my deep desire to hold his broken pieces in my arms until they fused together a strong beautiful being, I lost him. I lost him to the shadows that lurk in the corners of this world and to the shadows that take up residence in his mind. Now all I can do is hope I planted seeds of growth in his life, shifting his course to calmer seas. But what if I didn’t happen to him, rather he happened to me? After all, I doubt I will revert to the man I was before he walked into my life. God speed, D.L.

weeds.

I am painfully cognisant of how this story will end. Are you? It's an age old story and history certainly has a penchant for playing the same tracks on repeat. Allow me to enlighten you... I will slow down, find a wonderful partner that treats me better than I probably deserve, and begin to rebuild the dream of stability I once had. You will continue running your body ragged and trying to fill the void in your heart with one night stands and short lived relationships. You'll seek me out and find me living in peace and that's when you'll realize I could have given you the life you always wanted. I could have and would have given you the moon and the stars. But it will be too late. You lost your chance at picking a flower because you were so distracted by the abundance of weeds.

people.always.leave.

I'll say hello but cautiously, Goodbye is lurking near. I'll meet anyone but surely They won't or can't stay here. Whether their stay is long or small, I can't ignore the sting. The boy was right after all, You can't promise a thing.... With or without intent to deceive, Sooner or later people leave. Siblings grow up and leave home, Grandparents drift above, Good friends inevitably roam And farewells replace their love. Even the one who takes your name And proudly wears your ring, Yes, even he will do the same, He'll eventually take the wing. Till that time comes you won't believe, Even so, people always leave. Though new love comes and feels so real, Though smiles may return, And time's magic has helped you heal, You'll never forget the burn. Soon photography and memories Will take each persons place. And the lonely, chilling, autumn breeze Will replace their warm embrace. Through the years you'll begin to conceive, Though they may come, people always leave.

Do you know why butterflies float? Fireflies light? Comets fall, trees grow, cats purr, and tails wag? ...Each is an aspect of the one who perceives them, disguised by the elements, caught in an act of reflection, noticed in just the right place and at just the right moment, to remind the dreamer, as if by metaphor, of their own sublime divinity and that there is ever more to learn and love ...about themselves.

into.my.lungs.

I smoke cigarettes to feel close to you. It's a habit we started (back) together and is symbolic of the downward spiral that was our short but beloved relationship. The mild high I get takes me to those clouds I walked on when I would spend all my free time with you. How can I love you so much when all signs that point to you say "danger?" I can't take a breath into my lungs without your rugged smile haunting my memories. I would give up my soul and my chance at heaven just to have one day wrapped in your arms again, with only your lips to nourish me.