Sometimes, stepping back is the very first step in moving forward.

The Road Map To Love Myself…

I have always found the idea of loving thyself to be a completely foreign concept. I even recall years ago I worked thru exercises with my psychologist to find that inner love and peace at the core of my being but here I am at 30 still grasping at air. I have to admit I am far more comfortable in my own skin now than I was ten years ago but with still so much road ahead. I’m reminded of a favorite quote from Samantha in Sex And the City: “I love you... but I love me more. I've been in a relationship with myself for 49 years and that's the one I need to work on.” I have recently experienced a pothole in my road to happiness. I was sailing into 2014 with a new look and a new attitude to accompany my uninvited but much needed freedom when suddenly I found myself down trodden again. That all-too-familiar feeling of abandonment is back and as heavy on my chest as before. I went and placed my happiness on the shoulders of others. Specifically on those I knew couldn’t be trusted with my heart. But I trusted my own ability to manipulate any circumstance to control/produce an outcome I desired. I take my recent knocks, though, as the universe’s way of forcing me to learn to depend solely on my own strength. No one was going to rescue me from this hell or coddle me during my suffering. This has been sink or swim and I am fed up with sinking. Along with my foolishly setting expectations on the actions of others I have also been living recklessly, indulging in anything that would take my mind off of my loneliness. Many nights I went without sleep and many days I went without eating. This behavior has forfeited some close relationships with true and honest individuals. This behavior has caused me to be lonelier than before. With a heart fed up with pain, I now realize the change has to happen within me and the blame cannot be placed on others any longer. After all, we can’t control the actions of others but merely our own reactions. So for the remainder of 2014 I am declaring The Age of Body & Soul. As for body, I am planning to throw myself heavily into sculpting my body to be one that I can be proud of. We only get one body in this life so why not have a body that you have always dreamed of? With the help of friends who are active in weight training I aim to build muscle and strength while improving my overall living and eating habits. As for soul, I am giving myself permission to stop caring about the social scene. I give myself permission to miss pool parties and brunches. I give myself permission to step out of social “relevance” and focus on building a life that leaves me feeling fulfilled at the end of the day. I won’t deprive myself of fun but simply set limits for myself that will free my spirit from the anxiety of feeling the need to be “involved.” Besides, some time spent away from the spotlight and in the gym can only return positive results when I do decide to step out again. In accordance with my soul retreat I have deemed it necessary to swear off romantic encounters during this phase of my life. Being a libra and a lover this challenge might prove to be much more difficult over time but I truly think that taking my eyes off of others and focusing that energy on myself will not only alleviate anguish of possible rejection but remove unnecessary drama and distractions that pose a threat to my goals.

water.

"Water does not resist. Water flows. When you plunge your hand into it, all you feel is a caress. Water is not a solid wall, it will not stop you. But water always goes where it wants to go, and nothing in the end can stand against it. Water is patient. Dripping water wears away stone. If you can't go through an obstacle, go around it. Water does." - Penelope's mother, a Naiad of Poseidon.... "Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves. Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.” ― Bruce Lee

free.love.

In recent weeks I have experienced extreme highs and extremely low moments. The balance I require has been lacking. I chalk this up to poor decisions on my part. With that, unfortunately, I have suffered loss of love from several people I cherished. I think people are quick to snatch away their love if they know it will hurt you. Hence, so many guarded hearts. As I was dancing with a good friend at 3AM in a dark nightclub I heard few words over the thumpa thumpa but I was soul struck when I heard the words “free love!” Love is the greatest gift we have AND it’s free. It costs nothing to love someone. No one has enough of it. Yet people are so quick to shut it off ‘cause of pride or anger. In the end love is all that matters.

ambiguity.

"Welcome back" he yells, as lonliness grabs me by my wrist and forces me into a dark cold room I have become all too familiar with. My cries for help have been ground down to a mere whimper. I no longer clammer for footing or a place to rest my weary bones. I know the drill so I brace my body with my back against the wall, let my legs go limp like noodles, and surrender to the slump. At least with the abandonment of being on the floor I know my position. No ambiguity. I hold no value to those I loved so deeply. What sin must I have committed that would sentence me to a lifetime of abandonment? Was I born to this fate or did I earn it with misdeeds? I pray for eternal slumber.

You don't truly understand someone until you know what they're not saying to you.

kaskade.

It's time you see the love you give is killing me and I wanna live. This isn't right, search your soul for light. So I turned and left, I told myself I could be, as bad as someone else but I find it hard, when an angel's on my right. But you held my hand and took me right back down to hell, I have an angel on my shoulder but a devil in my head. Won't you go? No means no. Our dirty life, is like a one man show. You're a night attack, you turn the light to black.

I am not afraid of dying. I am, however, afraid of dying alone.

boundless.

I want to live simply. I want to sit by the window when it rains and read books I'll never be tested on. I want to paint because I want to, not because I've got something to prove. I want to listen to my body, fall asleep when the moon is high and wake up slowly, with no place to rush off to. I want not to be governed by money or clocks or any of the artificial restraints that humanity imposes on itself. I just want to be, boundless and infinite.

not.the.doctor by Alanis Morissette

I don't wanna be the filler if the void is solely yours. I don't wanna be your glass of single malt whiskey hidden in the bottom drawer and I don't want to be a bandage if the wound is not mine. Lend me some fresh air. I don't wanna be adored for what I merely represent to you and I don't wanna be your babysitter, you're a very big boy now. I don't wanna be your mother, I didn't carry you in my womb for nine months. Show me the back door. Visitin' hours are nine to five and if I show up at ten past six, well I already know that you'd find some way to sneak me in and mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom. You see it's too much to ask for and I am not the doctor.