existence.

They say life goes on, and so it seems they are correct. However, I'm still waiting for it not to suck. Life without the one that completes me has been a forced display of the necessary motions just to maintain some semblance of acceptable existence.

skin.

I enjoy the fragrance of your skin. The daunting task of replicating it would only prove futile. For how does one bottle the aroma of fresh ambition in the morning? Moreover, marrying said ambition with the smell emitted by the color blue would be impossible. And not just any blue, but a royal blue... peppered with a hint of rugged masculinity. In the evening hours of yesterday, as I closed my eyes for sleep, I was struck with the unexpected, yet unmistakable fragrance of your skin. I was puzzled at first, as all linens you once laid upon had been washed many times since, but I decided to surrender to the mystery and enjoyment of the moment. The fragrance of your skin tucked me in, warm and cozy, before ushering me into my nightly dreams.

rebel.heart.

Today my spirit is simmering just below the surface of my skin, nearing it's breaking point I fear. A fear for anyone who disturbs this sleeping lion. My rebellion is built on the frustration from constantly being short changed. Feeling like I undeservingly always draw the short straw. But not today, and not anymore. I will come for anyone that pricks my already wounded heart and I will bring the armies of hell with me when I do. I plan to set fire to the souls of all the inglorious bastards that underestimate the fire that burns within me.

thorns.

I turn the handle of the knob so to alleviate any noise interruptions as I quietly guide my front door into it's closed position. With the world now on the other side of the divide, the raw emotions I had effortlessly hidden erupted like a pot of spaghetti sauce left on high and unattended. With all my weight, and the entire left side of my face, pressed against the backside of the door, I held myself in the lateral position, but the tears behind my stoic eyes surrendered to gravity's tug without delay. Here I was again, having just said my farewell to yet another lost soul that I had the pleasure of finding in this lifetime. A soul I loved from the first moment I laid my eyes on him. Scattered like the leaves of autumn, I pray we never forget this feeling of pain and beauty combined - like the most precious rose in the garden, unattainable because of it's many thorns.

dictionary.of.obscured.sorrows.

I admit, it’s perfectly alright to express yourself using only the words you inherited from your parents. It’s alright to put ketchup on everything, and only dance ironically, and never learn another language, and never fight and never make mistakes. It’s alright to go to a party and only talk to the people you know. It’s alright if you climb back down the waterslide, and wait ten years before you tell someone how you felt about them. It’s alright to die in your bed, leaving a vault of treasure that goes to the state. But if you listen closely, many of the words we use to keep our lives afloat are now hulking derelicts, rust-eaten and bullet-holed, piled up with so much baggage and barnacles they’re sinking beneath our feet. We should cut them adrift, set them ablaze and let them rest; they’ve done their work.

natalie.merchant.

Is she fine? So well bred? The perfect girl? A social deb? Is she the sort you've always thought could make you what you're not? Ooo, jealousy. Is she bright? So well read? Are there novels by her bed? Is she the sort you've always said could satisfy your head? Ooo, my jealousy. Does she talk the way I do? Is her voice reminding you of the promises, the little white lies too? Sometimes, tell me while she's touching you, just by mistake accidentally do you say my name?

divine.boyfriend.

Weirdo alert! So, 2015 has been the most incredible year for me as far as my soul is concerned. The shift has begun and I have stories of the divine's guidance in my life that have caused some to question my sanity. I'll certainly take the time necessary to share those stories, but I don't have that much time at the moment. With that said, I'll scratch the surface of my week and the message I have received loud and clear, via three entirely unrelated recourses. That message is simply "love yourself." It's a concept I've struggled with for years, but it's been made clear to me that if I'm ever going to be successful in this life I absolutely must resolve this issue. The universe has even sent me clues on how to get started. Several times last week I found myself preaching to my single friends that I thought I knew the answer - to become the boyfriend you desire. In doing this I figured you'd have less time to obsess over an undeserving boy whose affection you pine for, you'd developed a strong awareness of what you want out of a partner and will be less likely to settle next time, and lastly, you'll eventually attract to you the kind of person that you've developed within yourself. Not even a week later I was validated in my arrogant beliefs as two articles fell in my lap at separate times that basically summed up my aforementioned plan to become the boyfriend I wanted. Then, the third sign shook my very core and confirmed the divine energy of this vast universe was not only listening to me, but also talking back to me. I was turning down the sheets and turning off the lights at bedtime when out if no where my inner voice told me to grab the book off the shelf I had purchased over a year prior but had never read. (I remember when I purchased the book I had no clue why I even bought it other than I was drawn to it. It wasn't even along the topic of astrology which was my latest fascination and my reason for visiting the book store). So I decided to pull said book from my dark shelf, and as I turned it around to remind myself of it's title my mouth must have opened so big it could've doubled as a boat slip. The title was 'Finding The Boyfriend Within: A Practical Guide For Tapping Into Your Own Source Of Love, Happiness, and Respect.' I started reading it immediately and had to force myself to put it down an hour later so that I might get rest before sunrise. It has lit a fire in me and I have never been this determined to fall in love with myself. I now realize I can't spend another moment of this life complaining that other people's actions or inactions are the reason for my loneliness or dissatisfaction. Sure, that's the easy explanation and I could probably even convince you that I am the victim of other people's misdeeds, but I can't lie to the world or even myself anymore. I want to break these chains and be free to accept love and give my love to the one that earns it. I don't want to continue this cycle of snagging a handsome fellow, falling hard for him, then watching him walk away as I'm forced to pick my own self up off the floor. I used to get angry at these men and angry with this supposed curse I live with. My loneliness was my only friend most nights. But I'm thankful, beyond words, that my eyes have been open and I now know it isn't those men at fault. The root of my problem is I'm not happy with who I am. The source of my unhappiness is that I don't love myself. That changes now!