shakespeare.

Good name in man and woman, dear my lord, Is the immediate jewel of their souls. Who steals my purse steals trash; 'tis something, nothing; 'Twas mine, 'tis his, and has been slave to thousands; But he that filches from me my good name Robs me of that which not enriches him, And makes me poor indeed.

music.is.no.good.

Everyone was watching, You were the freakiest thing on show. Dazzle in the crystal ball, They all love to watch it glow. You were the center of attention, The eye of the storm. A whirlwind from outer space, Like a twister on the scene. Mesmerize them when we danced Cause you sparkle next to me. We sit along the razor's edge, But you were crazy to be free. I'll agonize till you'll come back And we'll dance that close again. I miss you boy, I really do, Come back to me. But I know you don't need me anymore. And it's no good dwelling in the past, I have to live each day Like it was my last. The music's no good without you baby, The music's no good at all. The music's no good without you baby, Come back to me.

regret.nothing.

Day two is now under my belt and thus far the negative effects are mild. I am eating much more, which is a good thing, though I fear my bloat might get out of hand before it all levels out finally. Also, I'm sleepier than usual but that was expected. With all that said, I am pleasantly surprised at how easy this transition has been so far. I realize I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm already happier with the positive effects. Not to mention how much better life is going to be when this is completely behind me. I regret nothing I've ever done and I am glad I lived thru this chapter of my life. I'm very optimistic about what's ahead of me though. I truly think my best years have yet to come! On another note, I miss everything and everyone that has passed thru my life like water to a net. I would give up forever just to spend whatever days I have left basking in Danny's black light. Just the trivial conversations and seemingly meaningless banter kept my light shining bright. I fear I'm dim without him, but he can't be here right now so the universe took him away from me. Again. Like a band aid ripped from a hairy wound without warning. Jesse is also missed. He showed me what it feels like to be loved and to feel sexy. He was meek, yet dark and mysterious. His deep sexy voice and the smell of his cigarettes paired with cologne gave me comfort. But he has also made his exit. With Danny, I think I did all I could do to keep something caged that was far too wild. But with Jesse I fear I took him for granted. Perhaps because of my blind love for my lost soul mate. Whatever the reason, I don't know that I did all I could to keep him. I don't know that I did right by him entirely. I just don't think I understood the reality of his leaving until it was too late. The list of others could keep me writing all night but those two weigh heavy tonight so I'll let my thoughts rest here. Danny and Jesse, you boys are in my heart forever, etched so deep that time could never erode your memory or my love for you. Wherever you are tonight, I pray to the universe that your spirit is hopeful and your heart is warm and that you can feel my love.

bean.buffoonery.

During lunch at work last week I ate three plates of beans, which I know I should not have. When I got home, my boyfriend seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my boyfriend was out the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I let three more go. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my boyfriend returned as he apologized for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and 12 dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday." (by: tasselstine For Aunty Acid)

scattered.and.unfinished.

All four of the following thoughts were written on different days recently. My thoughts have been scattered and my writing has been unfinished: (1) I am, without a doubt, completely exhausted with the never-ending cycle I have found so familiar. That one where I chase the mere crumbs of affection from others who’ve proven to be incapable of loving me in return. (2) It’s been a week this time. I think this time is permanent though. I seem to bring out the worst in him and he drags out every possible insecurity in me. I’m sad about my loss. About our loss. I never feel as joyous and “found” as I do when I’m with him. His trips to visit me, no matter how frequent, were like Christmas Day every time. I’m hollowed out and torn. (3) It is an empty feeling. Hollow even. Like a part of me was removed with force and without warning. A freak accident perhaps? (4) A world wihtout her is unfathomable. Such a beautiful and magnetic creature... why has she never lived up to her potential. I've always wanted more for her than she seemed to want for herself.

life.

"I want more life. I can't help myself. I do. I've lived through such terrible times and there are people who live through much worse. But you see them living anyway. When they're more spirit than body, more sores than skin, when they're burned and in agony, when flies lay eggs in the corners of the eyes of their children - they live. If I can find hope anywhere, that's it, that's the best I can do. It's so much not enough. It's so inadequate. But still bless me anyway. I want more life."- Prior Walter, as he dies of AIDS and an angel promises life in the heavens free of pain and suffering. Angels in America

thanksgiving.twenty14

Each year around the Thanksgiving holiday I attempt to sum up what the experiences of that year has left me most thankful for. Unlike the years prior, I have spent several days wandering the halls of my countless thoughts, unsure how to summarize my gratitude. But as I sat at the dinner table today with my partner and great friends, breaking bread and exchanging belly laughs, I realized that I had over-analyzed my thankful list entirely. I know, I know, big surprise there! Instead of pondering the many emotions that accompany life's natural and constant ebb & flow, I failed to recount the joy I have in my heart for simply waking up today with good health. I failed to recount the contentment I finally feel in my soul for having a warm, loving, beautiful guy to come home to each evening. And the wonderful friends near and far in my life, well that feeling of security they bring me is probably more than I deserve. Then there's the blood related family that loves me unconditionally and thinks I walk on water; they give me the peace in my soul that no amount of money or worldly goods could parallel. That mother of mine is a queen in my eyes. Being her son gives me the confidence I need to survive anything life's journey might hurl in my direction. She thinks I am silly for saying this but I know she was born to be a star. She outshines everyone when she walks in any room and she can melt the heart of the coldest being with her beauty and with the softness in her voice. But she is too humble for stardom. She needs no recognition and that's what makes her my lifelong idol. Finally, pride. If you're lucky enough in this lifetime you'll meet a friend or two that is more than just a friend. They don't even need to be someone you see often. They believe in you and would follow you thru the gates of hell and back to ensure your happiness and their confidence in you makes you levitate with pride. I call them cheerleaders! I am fortunate enough to have known a few, but one in particular deserves mentioning today. Kim Childress Rivenbark has proved her loyalty to me many times over and has had nothing to gain from doing so. She can be thousands of miles away and will sense my soul aching and knows just what I need to hear to give me the pride to peel myself off the ground and to stand against whatever oppresses me. Her confidence in me is inspiring as I wish more of us would strive to be cheerleaders. Again, I have a few other beautiful souls in mind, but they know who they are. Kim, thank you. Cheerleaders in my life, thank you. Jesse, thank you for loving me. Friends and family, no words will ever be able to express my love and gratitude for each of you. I am a product of my environment, and I am thankful for it. .