wild.of.heart.
I stopped believing in the constant coincidences in my life a few years ago. A sweet, young friend of mine from back home took his life last night. The same night that I was conversing with loved ones about others who had taken their lives in the same manner. Two nights after I had a close encounter with death myself that left me humbled and more appreciative of this life I was gifted. My friend was so lost in his head. He didnt realize that getting away from it all might help unclutter. I get lonely still. Sad beyond words. But nothing like I did back then. I have no roots. Nothing to call my own. But the freedom in giving it all up seems to have dulled the pain. I truly wish I had noticed he was hurting and tried to help. Sometimes I pity the friends I left behind in the small towns of Carolina. "A prayer for the wild of heart that are kept in cages." I guess fear holds them there. Fear of the unknown. During my scary episode this week I was first beside myself with fear, of course, but I wont forget looking in the mirror, looking past the blood on my face and smiling cause I felt at that moment that I glared death in the face and said "I fear nothing!" Perhaps my stupid pride saves my dumbass sometimes. RIP J. O'Neal
gabriel.
Friends of mine, Mark and Kristen, were expecting their first born baby. Last week baby Gabriel showed up unexpectedly three months early. I wont go into details but Gabriel is fighting every day to be with us. His father posted the following message this morning as an update:
"Lying here in the room for parents in the NICU, Kristen is sleeping and they had to sedate Gabriel because as the doctor said, "he's fighting us so much we just needed him to get some rest" I've come to think about how I thought of my son before his birth and how I think of him now. I dreamed the big dreams, what his personality would be and his sense of humor. Of him going to college to play baseball or football. Of him joining TKE like his old man, and the stories he could tell. I realize I forgot to dream small, the little things that I expected to happen. I dream now of holding him, hearing him cry, making him smile. I see now how important it is to dream small, because as each small dream is realized, the big ones will come and oh the wonder they will have."
Speechless.
Thanksgiving 2013
In the wake of a morning which started off with a little turbulence I find myself recounting the events of 2013 of which have humbled my mere existance and reminded me to be thankful for the gift of a morning with turbulence. My heart has been broken by the loss of love or companionship a few times, like most. But nothing can compare to the broken heart that one experiences when someone they hold so close to their heart passes out of this life. Especially without warning. We are human. We are subject to unexpected expiration without provocation. Life itself is fragile and in my opinion isn’t usually treated with the admiration and respect it deserves. I recently enjoyed conversation and wine with two friends, both of whom were working as flight attendents during 9/11. During our banter that evening the conversation moved to discussing our individual experiences of that fateful day. Both of them had chilling stories that have resonated in my brain but I was moved by one common thread in each of their tales; both witnessed humanity in it’s truest form for months to follow. Passengers of their flights were kinder. Everyone was thankful and verbalized it. The respect for life united us all as was made evident by our everyday interactions.
I am thankful for freedom and the men and women that have fought and continue to fight for that freedom. Military and otherwise. I am thankful for the gift of aging. Though I dislike physical signs of aging as much as the next superficial fool, I have found solice in understanding that growing old is a luxury not guaranteed to anyone. I am thankful for a loving family that accepts me the way I am. I am thankful for genuine people as they are few and sometimes hard to find. True friendship, I have learned, is a treasure that could never be matched by any amount of wealth or success. I am convinced that I have found safety, security, and pure love in friendship with a handful of the greatest people ever to have lived. Even though some are seperated by distance the true friends are just as much apart of my heart as ever before. I will refrain from mentioning the names of my best friends and their many attributes that I am thankful for as I fear that I would run out of time on this Earth before finishing the list. I will, however, meantion one name. My friend Regina has taught me about acceptance of others, mental strength when all hope seems lost, and genuine unconditional love through friendship. When I was suffering from a broken heart she made an unannounced road trip from northern Virginia to southern North Carolina just to surprise me and remind me that I was loved. That is just one of many ridiculous examples of how amazing this woman is. She does it all with the elegance, class, humor, grace, and charm that one might expect from the first lady of the U.S. She is also black but has no idea… so don’t tell her. Haha
I am thankful for the challenges as well as opportunities I have experienced thoughout my journey thus far, as each played a role in carving out the person you see today. On that note, I am so very thankful for the two long-term(ish) relationships I have survived… or been blessed with . haha. Both gentleman are still very dear friends of mine and know me more than most. I spent nearly seven years with Jared and three years with Joshua. I wouldn’t trade either of them or the relationships we share(d) for anything in this world.
The list could go on to infinity and beyond but I will sum it all up by saying, life is beautiful . And messy. And painful. In spite of the pain, however, each day is a gift. And each person the we encounter has a story. Speak softer. Speak slower. Be slow to anger. Love completely without fear. Be thankful for the small things. I am thankful for life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)