misplaced.

I woke up with a hole inside of me.  I bled out on the pages of the universe last night.  I suppose I expected the blood to clot and the wound to heal while my body was resting.  Secretly, or maybe not so secretly, I hoped it would be my final rest.  The one of which I walk thru that ambiguous doorway filled with light to find my reward for enduring the trials and tribulations punted at me in this earthly life.  Heaven?  Doubtful.  But I like to think a better life does lie ahead nonetheless.  I digress.  So I woke up with this hole still bleeding.  I have masked over the hole with a spray tan on the skin, fresh coat of hair dye, and a hint of cosmetics to invoke misplaced confidence.  I have put one foot in front of the other and am ready to fool the world into thinking I have it all.  In reality, I wonder how much longer I can hold on. 

elsewhere.

I know this love is passing time
Passing through like liquid
I am drunk in my desire
But I love the way you smile at me
I love the way your hands reach out and hold me near
I believe this is heaven to no one else but me
And I'll defend it as long as
I can be left here to linger in silence
If I choose to

Would you try to understand?

unpenetrable.

It's dark.  It's dark out there and it's dark in here.  In this room and in my head.  When did I stop loving darkness?  I suppose that shift may have occurred when everything in my life did a 180.  Wow, so much power wielded by one person.  The strength it took to walk away from everything I had ever known and break free from the comforts and security that sustain most people for a lifetime, well, it is nothing short of incomparable.  So now as I sit here afraid of darkness and think back on those memories as if they are playing on a reel and the lead character isn't myself but instead an average-looking actor who cleans up well for the camera, acting out some fantastic story for the amusement of others.  That couldn't have been me.  I am weak.  The darkness comes every night to steal that fake smile I have mastered and fill my being with hopelessness.  I hate needing another person for anything, especially comradery.  I should be made of stone by now, given all the wounds I have suffered.  One big scab, unpenetrable to all weapons of this world.  Yet, in this dark room I don't feel strong enough to change the things in my life that keep me anchored to mediocrity.  The ties that bind me to sadness.  I am surrounded by a planet littered with overpopulation yet not one person would understand.  I'm just an actor.  Nothing they see is real.  I want to return to the chapter labeled Fall/Winter 2010.  When, for the first time and last, I can truly recall being happy.  Purely happy.  Without expectations or desires for anything beyond that day.