Live as though heaven is on Earth.

Dreams last so long... even after you're gone...

I brush my teeth and put the cap back on,
I know you hate it when I leave the light on.
I pick a book up and then I turn the sheets down,
And then I take a breath and a good look around.
Put on my pj's and hop into bed.
I'm half alive, but I feel mostly dead.
I try and tell myself it'll be all right,
I just shouldn't think anymore tonight.

These have to be two of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me.  Made my day! 

"I'm lucky you even talk to me"

"Dallas is less bright that you're not there anymore"

"I agree to protect you from fire even if the sun should fall, from water even if the sea should rage, and from Earth even if it should shake in tumult.  And I will honor your name as if it were my own.  I vow that no distance in time or space shall separate my heart from yours.  I vow to be with you always, mind, body, and soul.  I vow to grow old with you and when I die, I vow to walk with you in your dreams.  I give you my heart:  I have no greater gift to give..." 

In A Fix On Route 66

My eyes popped open.  My thoughts were scrambling to piece together my previous night and how it may have landed me in a stranger’s bed.  I then realized I was in a hotel room in Phoenix and my behavior had been that of a Sunday school teacher.  Well, unless we are going to take off points for gluttony, in which case I would shove the empty pizza box and two liter bottle of Diet Mt. Dew under the bed.  Twenty minutes later my best friend Bill and I were packed, checked-out, and hailing the company mini van from valet.  We made our way down the highway to Scottsdale where we wrapped up the business needs at Neiman Marcus and Barney’s New York.  To celebrate a thirty minute inventory job well done and our ability to count past ten we decided to blow some cash at the local H&M store.  I can never walk into this store, in any city, and leave with less than what would fill up a Scion.  This trip the sales associates managed to stuff all of our purchases into two giant trash bags which would make for easier traveling back to Las Vegas.  Famished from our busy but productive morning Bill and I decided to Ace Ventura the mini van into a parking space directly in front of a Chinese buffet.  We ate til our hearts were content and our acid reflux levels had us levitating a few inches off the ground.  Naturally, I forgot to pack my iPod, music CDs, and car charger for my phone.  As a result 45 minutes later we were in the middle of Podunk, Arizona with a garbled Latino Polka radio station and no operable cell phones to entertain us.  I made use of my time by napping.  I believe Bill may have also napped and set the van to auto pilot.  Wow, technology these days!  When I awoke for the third time that day I was met with nightfall and a sign that went whizzing by my window that said “Welcome to San Bernardino County California.”  I knew this was wrong.  Bill had missed his turn and our mini van wasn’t smart enough to know the difference.  After a two hour detour and a long conversation with a woman who was once a stylist for Lucille Ball but now serves coffee for patrons of Route 66 we finally ended up back in Las Vegas.  All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and watch television but my party friends weren’t trying to hear of such a maniacal plan.  I continued the evening by bar hopping, white girl dancing, consuming copious amounts of vodka, and hurling venomous slurs at whoever’s face I didn’t like.  Needless to say I was finally able to get some sleep in my own bed as of 4AM Sunday morning. 

Freedom

It was my first time.  Growing up I secretly fantasized about this day.  I guess I always knew I would someday feel this rush, however, what used to be a deep desire was suddenly a dream turned real.  It was my first time at a major theme park.

I arrived at Paramount's Carowinds around eleven in the morning… give or take thirty minutes.  With my best friend Shannon by my side, I anticipated the zeal of sheer freedom.  At age thirteen, the thought of an adult free day was all the elation needed to make this a memorable day.  Pouring out of the church van, one would have assumed our youth group was part of the triathlon.  Everyone sprinted to the ticket booth, each person hoping to arrive inside the Carowinds' walls seconds before everyone else. 

The lady in the ticket booth smiled as if to share in my joy as my crossed the threshold.  I was greeted by the sound of a roller coaster roaring down the tracks as it zoomed past me.  The passengers and their care-free screams set my mind free.  Suddenly everything in my life was placed on hold and left in the parking lot.  Everyone in our group split into sub-groups, each choosing their own destiny for the day.  Shannon and I chose to take in the sites and smells before committing to our first stop. 

The smell of nachos and cheese, chili dogs, cotton candy, and funnel cake seeped from the vendors as we coasted through the park.  I was unable to wipe the smile from my face as I watched the park goers laugh, scream, and simply enjoy life.  This was truly worth the wait I thought. 

We decided to stop at the lazy river.  The cool water would be a relaxing escape from the sun beating down from above.  Shannon and I each grabbed our own tube to stay afloat with.  The water was crystal clear and the lining of the river was blue like pools I had swam in on childhood vacations.  Piling into the water, we were practically playing bumper cars with the other patrons.  No one minded the slightly crowded park though, as we were all there for one purpose… to let go and have fun.  I splashed and got splashed. 

After floating for a few minutes, I had managed to land myself practically alone.  Everyone that had boarded the river with me had drifted apart.  Shannon was rounding the corner way ahead and I was unable to see the drifters that had lagged behind.  On both sides of the river were green plants, trees, and colorful flowers.  The landscape was that of a jungle appeal.  Now I was able to see why they called it the lazy river.  The calming sound of birds chirping and bees buzzing filled my ears as the breeze brushed my wet skin.  Chills ran from head to toe. 

The screams of those on the roller coasters and major rides had grown faint in the distance.  I sat and wondered for a moment how far from reality had I coasted.  I was lost in mind and body.  My thoughts were scattered as I sat and imagined how life couldn't get much better. 

I was carelessly accompanied by the neighborhood butterfly.  As I lay there motionless, this celestial creature drifted down from the blue above and came to rest on my knee.  With efforts not to scare her, I continue to lie still and take in my surroundings without a single movement.  She fanned the air peacefully with her wings, all the while representing the freedom I so much desired. 

Just before drifting into a REM sleep, I was startled by a sudden stop as my float collided with Shannon's.  The flow of the river slowed down dramatically as the greenery abutting the sides of the river, was replaced by theme park activity.  Back in sight, children were running and playing with their friends and siblings as we floated by on our secret mission to no-where.  Off in the distance I saw an over-sized picture of Scooby Doo atop the entrance to another realm of fun.  I realized that this park was more than a vacation away from every-day life, but it was like a world of its own.

After floating around the entire park, Shannon and I decided to escape our relaxed existence and broaden the horizons to include junk food, fast thrills, and stuffed animal prizes.  We partook in all of these and more.  We bled the day dry of all the fun to be had before closing the door on such a life-changing day.  I sat quietly and alone on the trip back home that evening.  I contemplated the fun I had and the new dreams that sprang from my empowered freedom. 

Alena Dejah O'Hara

Even though after ten years of being a female impersonator I finally hung up my wig, the memory of the showgirl I once was still lives on thru my daughters' shows, videos, photographs, and memories.  This short story is about the night my drag career took off...     

           Gazing in the mirror at the reflection of my half-compromised face, I felt the rumbling of ten thousand butterflies beating their wings in my chest.  I had been a drag performer for five years, so gluing lashes to the lids of my eyes, and painting my lips and cheeks, shouldn't be this difficult.  The brushes and tools that I had used many times before suddenly felt heavier, as if they were fighting against the grain.  Tonight was different, though.  This night was my first pageant: Miss Gay Wilmington.  What would typically be a delightful, lite-hearted ambience was now overcast with fear, a cold chill, and lights more dim throughout the city than I had ever witnessed. 
            After my grueling makeover, I pack my things into my husband's car.  It is early January, so the breeze is that of arctic measure and the night is dense and quiet.  My nerves are rattled and my churning stomach sends signals to my brain that cause doubt and sudden fever.  I force the feelings of inadequacy to the back of my mind, and ride quietly from the house to the bar.  The road was longer that evening.  In fact, I'm almost sure to this day that time slowed down for one night only. 
            My uphill battle to the door of Ibiza nightclub from the parking lot was cut short by the security man, my friend Daniel.  He scooped my boxes and bags of miscellaneous drag-drippings and costuming.  When the back door of the bar opened, I was met with the smell of smoldering cigarettes and cocktails.  My heart was pounding against my chest, and my throat was a desert looking for the oasis.  The thud from the bass in the music caused all of my organs to gravitate upward, or so it seemed.  I knew that at any moment I may see a repeat of the dinner I had earlier enjoyed.  I climbed the stairs to the second floor where I was greeted by other contestants in the evening festivities.  I found a lone corner of the room to set up shop.  I packed away my nerves and feelings of fear and doubt as I unpacked my competition necessities. 
                        What seemed like dozens of people began to gather around me, each making failed attempts to assist in the making of my much desired victory.  As the roof above began to drip downward, the walls inched in closer each time I would glance away.  They were taunting me!  Everything that could go wrong did go wrong.  I watched as black glue, intended for my wig, was driven by gravity to the panty hose of my much exposed leg.  I wanted to win the pageant, but at what expense and whose embarrassment?  Scott quickly zipped my gown as I scampered down the stairs to the back door of the first floor stage.  Standing in the enclosed corridor, adjacent the stage, Nate quickly glued my artificial finger nails as I awaited my moment to shine.  I stood for a moment and thought… how will I model the gown?  Should I stand as a soldier at attention or walk the stage like that of the Moulin Rouge house-cast? 
           "And here is our contestant number two, Alena Dejah."  My name was called, and now was my moment of recognition.  I had to prove to the world that my cause was an art.  I had to prove to the gay elite that I was not lesser than they.   Most importantly, I had to prove to myself that I will always stand up for my beliefs and can be anything I want to be! 
            Stepping off the bottom step onto the slick stage, with my sweaty palms I chased the creases from my gown.   She was a beauty.  Stark white and crisp as a new dollar bill, surely she would assist me in stealing the show tonight!   I cupped my hands together as the symbol of true elegance and embarked on the journey across my stage.  I glanced right and saw what seemed like thousands of people lining the stage.   As in slow motion I heard nothing but a dull roar and saw the crying and cheering of so many people whose hopes for the evening were set on my shoulders.   I look forward to the masters of the evening.  The pageant judges rested there with no emotion, tearing me apart with there pens and pencils.   Each one digging thru my outward being, attempting to find the flaws that was unfit for their next queen.  I turn left to the mirrored wall and see the reflection of my fan stadium behind me.    The familiar feeling rushed back to me...I had been here before.  As I exhale, the masses of butterflies that had caused me so much grief suddenly escape through my nostrils.   My comfort was lifted and my mind became focused.  I modeled that gown until the wolves' frenzied feast was complete.  I raced back upstairs to rid myself of my binding adornment, only to gear up for the next category, talent. 
            Two months prior I employed eight profession backup dancers to aid in my victory…four males and four females.  We rehearsed every evening until the night of the pageant.  I chose to dance to a Broadway-styled song, "Don't Tell Momma."
            My entrance back to the stage was this time accompanied by my dancers.  We coasted out quickly onto a blacked-out stage and no lights to aid our journey.  The spotlight grabbed me as the music began.  As if puppets controlled by string, we danced, turned, twirled, jumped, and slid across the stage exactly as previously rehearsed.  Mouths in the crowd dropped in awe as others screamed out my stage name.  The look of surprise and pride on the judges' face told me I was a success. 
            The virtual sound of one million drummer boys beating a drum roll on their snare as we rounded the last bend of the evening created the feeling that I was standing on the edge of a forty-story sky scraper roof.   It seemed to take days for the announcing of both the second and first place winners.  Neither of which were me.  It was then I realized either I had completely failed or completely stolen the evening.  As if trained by a pageant expert my head fell into the palms of my sweaty hands as I was announced the winner.  Tears flowed down my masked face as if they were streaming at the beat of the screams and cheers being hurled by the masses.  The previous winner approached me with a new twelve inch rhinestone crown as I bent down to assist in bringing it to rest on my head.  The beaming lights from the cameras flashed as Celine Dion's "Because You Loved Me" began to play thru the speakers.  Each person in the crowd stood in a cafeteria style line waiting there chance to approach the new Miss Gay Wilmington with their congratulatory message. 

How could I have been so lucky?

What better surprise could you ask for than to wake up to a heart-felt sentiment from your mother on the other side of the country?  Well, how could I have been so lucky to be gifted such a talented, strong, and beautiful mother?  Here's what she wrote to me today...

"Twenty nine years ago I gave birth to a baby boy. Of all the worries I've had for him, every minute has been a joy. When they laid him in my arms that eleventh of October day, I looked down at his tiny little face and you should've heard me pray. "Oh dear LORD you have blessed me with more than I deserve, so when he grows up, it's you, I pray he'll serve"

Elizabeth Diane Keating "Mom"

Weep not for the memories.

I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard

Untouchable Machine

Oh how life has humbled me thru the years.  Stripped of what seemed like the perfect life I now exist in a soulless city far from home, no long term relationship to speak of in several years, very few worldly possessions, and a constant reminder that I am merely human and not the untouchable machine I once thought I was.  Thru this fall I have learned compassion and appreciation for things most people take for granted.  I am so thankful to have had the chance to fall, to fail, and forced to pick myself up off the ground.  My eyes have never been more open.