I wrote this a year ago but never posted it...
I am irrevocably in love with him. He invades my thoughts while I am awake and boldly haunts me in my dreams. Try as I may I am unable to forget his existence and how much my heart longs for his mere presence. I haven’t looked upon his face in three months and four days and haven’t had any type of relationship with him in six months. The fact that the stench of rotting love is as fresh in my nostrils as it was six months ago is nothing short of deplorable. This morning I awoke with a smile until ten seconds later I remembered he raped my emotions as I slumbered last night. With riotous anger I ripped back the bedding, placed my feet on the ground, and pressed on toward the day ahead with gritted teeth.
I feel inadequate. I am never good enough for anyone or anything. I have run so far from home and I can’t even be sure what I am running from. I never call the mother that raised me up from my baby years. I feel like I have constantly let her down. If only I were as strong and responsible as she. My biological mother loves me, of course, but she has no need for me. It has always seemed as if she can take me or leave me – no worries. My father hasn’t spoken to me in four years. He got the son he never wanted – gay. He blames God. Aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. all look at me with judgment. I have no wife, kids, or mortgage. Shame on me! None of my former lovers want me back. Shouldn’t somebody out there regret letting me slip away? (Person A) is the love of my life. My dream guy. My knight in Republican armor. But I was too flashy, too crazy, too attention seeking, too dramatic. Now he is gone. Figuratively and literally. (Person B) came along when I wasn’t expecting to love anyone – ever again! It was last summer and few months after (Person A) had found his new love. (Person B) made me forget my misery. (Person B) made me smile again. Much to my dismay, however, I wasn’t adequate again. (Person B) wants a manly man. A hot man. Muscles. I am none of those things. For a better part of my life I have considered myself a girl to my core. I have stuck by his side and loved him so hard in hopes that he would fall deeply in love with me. But he never will. When will I be loved?
“I hope that one day you will have the experience of doing something you do not understand for someone you love.”
“I hope you never love anything as much as I love you.”
“She had fallen in love so many times that she began to suspect she was not falling in love at all, but doing something much more ordinary.”
“I have suffered so much more than I needed to. And the joys I have felt have not always been joyous.”
“At night the Nothing light from the guest room spilled under the Nothing door and stained the Something hallway, there’s nothing to say.”
“I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all of the lives I’m not living”
“I would give everything never to think about her again, I can only hold on to the things I want to lose.”
“I told her I already was a great artist, because that’s how unsure of myself I was”
“We stopped laughing, I took the world into me, rearranged it, and sent it back out as a question….”
