bean.buffoonery.

During lunch at work last week I ate three plates of beans, which I know I should not have. When I got home, my boyfriend seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my boyfriend was out the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I let three more go. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my boyfriend returned as he apologized for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and 12 dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday." (by: tasselstine For Aunty Acid)

scattered.and.unfinished.

All four of the following thoughts were written on different days recently. My thoughts have been scattered and my writing has been unfinished: (1) I am, without a doubt, completely exhausted with the never-ending cycle I have found so familiar. That one where I chase the mere crumbs of affection from others who’ve proven to be incapable of loving me in return. (2) It’s been a week this time. I think this time is permanent though. I seem to bring out the worst in him and he drags out every possible insecurity in me. I’m sad about my loss. About our loss. I never feel as joyous and “found” as I do when I’m with him. His trips to visit me, no matter how frequent, were like Christmas Day every time. I’m hollowed out and torn. (3) It is an empty feeling. Hollow even. Like a part of me was removed with force and without warning. A freak accident perhaps? (4) A world wihtout her is unfathomable. Such a beautiful and magnetic creature... why has she never lived up to her potential. I've always wanted more for her than she seemed to want for herself.

life.

"I want more life. I can't help myself. I do. I've lived through such terrible times and there are people who live through much worse. But you see them living anyway. When they're more spirit than body, more sores than skin, when they're burned and in agony, when flies lay eggs in the corners of the eyes of their children - they live. If I can find hope anywhere, that's it, that's the best I can do. It's so much not enough. It's so inadequate. But still bless me anyway. I want more life."- Prior Walter, as he dies of AIDS and an angel promises life in the heavens free of pain and suffering. Angels in America

thanksgiving.twenty14

Each year around the Thanksgiving holiday I attempt to sum up what the experiences of that year has left me most thankful for. Unlike the years prior, I have spent several days wandering the halls of my countless thoughts, unsure how to summarize my gratitude. But as I sat at the dinner table today with my partner and great friends, breaking bread and exchanging belly laughs, I realized that I had over-analyzed my thankful list entirely. I know, I know, big surprise there! Instead of pondering the many emotions that accompany life's natural and constant ebb & flow, I failed to recount the joy I have in my heart for simply waking up today with good health. I failed to recount the contentment I finally feel in my soul for having a warm, loving, beautiful guy to come home to each evening. And the wonderful friends near and far in my life, well that feeling of security they bring me is probably more than I deserve. Then there's the blood related family that loves me unconditionally and thinks I walk on water; they give me the peace in my soul that no amount of money or worldly goods could parallel. That mother of mine is a queen in my eyes. Being her son gives me the confidence I need to survive anything life's journey might hurl in my direction. She thinks I am silly for saying this but I know she was born to be a star. She outshines everyone when she walks in any room and she can melt the heart of the coldest being with her beauty and with the softness in her voice. But she is too humble for stardom. She needs no recognition and that's what makes her my lifelong idol. Finally, pride. If you're lucky enough in this lifetime you'll meet a friend or two that is more than just a friend. They don't even need to be someone you see often. They believe in you and would follow you thru the gates of hell and back to ensure your happiness and their confidence in you makes you levitate with pride. I call them cheerleaders! I am fortunate enough to have known a few, but one in particular deserves mentioning today. Kim Childress Rivenbark has proved her loyalty to me many times over and has had nothing to gain from doing so. She can be thousands of miles away and will sense my soul aching and knows just what I need to hear to give me the pride to peel myself off the ground and to stand against whatever oppresses me. Her confidence in me is inspiring as I wish more of us would strive to be cheerleaders. Again, I have a few other beautiful souls in mind, but they know who they are. Kim, thank you. Cheerleaders in my life, thank you. Jesse, thank you for loving me. Friends and family, no words will ever be able to express my love and gratitude for each of you. I am a product of my environment, and I am thankful for it. .

Beware of Destination Addiction - a preoccupation with the idea that happiness is in the next place, the next job, and with the next partner. Until you give up the idea that happiness is somewhere else, it will never be where you are.

fucks.

You’re born with a ton of fucks to give, so you spend them like a kid with a credit card. You give fucks about your friends, about your grades, about your fashion sense, about strangers’ opinions. You give way too many fucks about way too many things. You have so many. Then, as you get older, you have maybe 10 fucks per month, so you learn to budget them. You allocate fucks to family and career, but there aren’t enough fucks to give to the newest fads. Oh, someone at work has something they need my help with that’s outside my job title? I’ll do my best to allocate some fucks, but this month is pretty tight. Then, as you get even older, you’re down to 1-2 fucks per month, and those fucks are pretty damn precious. You give them to your family and your hobbies and your job, and that’s kinda it. It’s not your fault – fucks expire too quickly. I would’ve liked to save my fucks from when I was younger but I can’t. Then, you hit fuck insolvency. You’re getting like 1 fuck a year, and you have to make it last. So you go without, and even previously fuck-worthy things, you just can’t give a fuck. Some people run out really quickly, Some people have a fuck trust fund that pays out a decent amount even into old age. But at some point, the fuck faucet runs completely dry and you’re out of fucks to give. It’s just basic Fuckonomics.

regressive.mobility.

I want to go back to a time when I knew you. I wish I could have back the days that I would wake up next to you. I hurled insults when I was angry, like everyone does, but I want those words back. Turn back the clock and I promise to cherish every minute of our time together, wasting not even one second on my frustrations. I would have no frustrations. I would accept your distant mind just the way it is without question and consider it's shared presence a gift. I want to hug you again. I want you to nibble on my knuckle, blow your breath on it, then sniff it. You always made me giggle when you'd do such silly things as that. But, alas, the life I knew then barely resembles my life now. The faces I see each day have changed. The music I listen to, the foods I eat, the clothes I wear, even the car I drive; all have evolved. The only thing that remains the same is how much I love you. I have a new lover. He is devilishly handsome. He shares my spiritual beliefs and has many of the same talents as me. Sex with him is passionate and he makes me feel sexy. He truly loves me, and that's why I feel guilt for loving you still. He deserves all of me. I deserve to give him all of me. If you could turn back the hands of time I'd have quite a predicament, trying to decide whether I should allow my heart to evolve or regress. Fortunately, life doesn't afford us stagnant or regressive mobility. Our behaviors, however resistant, will only propel us toward our destiny. However, it's our choice whether we suffer by wasting time thinking of what 'could have been' or let go and float peacefully in the knowledge that the universe will place us at the same finish line we were always going land on anyway. It hurts to let you go but I must. You are forgiven as I too long to be forgiven. You are loved. We are free. Goodbye.