this.my.daily.prayer.

Knowing he is well and flourishing is enough. To wish for more, to wish for him close to me is selfish. I am satisfied with the knowledge that he is alive and flourishing. The rest is up to the universe.

tapestry.

I stretch myself across the bed, more disheveled than the bedding embracing my slump. The same bedding which has become all too familiar with how ineffective I can be as I sleep the days away when loneliness comes to visit. Unable to lift my heavy flesh off the bed, I somehow find the energy to move my right arm. Without a plan in mind, my arm snakes itself to my nightstand, as I watch with the half of my face which is not crammed into a pillow. My fingers join the fun as they spring to life the motions necessary to open the top drawer. The hand I once controlled, now with a mission apart from my mission of slumber, forces itself thru the trenches of socks and sleeping pill bottles to gain access to the rear of my nightstand drawer. Then it stopped abruptly, signaling success in the search, and retreated. I pull out the empty cologne bottle I have carried from state to state, residence to residence. With my thumb I force the top from the cylinder bottle and pull it to my face for a whiff. As I drew into my nostrils the faint fragrance that resonated in the corners of this aged cylinder, tears began to drip down my cheek while the memories of a happier time came together like dozens of little puzzle pieces to paint the tapestry of love lost.

treasure.

Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in a quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return.

shakespeare.

Good name in man and woman, dear my lord, Is the immediate jewel of their souls. Who steals my purse steals trash; 'tis something, nothing; 'Twas mine, 'tis his, and has been slave to thousands; But he that filches from me my good name Robs me of that which not enriches him, And makes me poor indeed.

music.is.no.good.

Everyone was watching, You were the freakiest thing on show. Dazzle in the crystal ball, They all love to watch it glow. You were the center of attention, The eye of the storm. A whirlwind from outer space, Like a twister on the scene. Mesmerize them when we danced Cause you sparkle next to me. We sit along the razor's edge, But you were crazy to be free. I'll agonize till you'll come back And we'll dance that close again. I miss you boy, I really do, Come back to me. But I know you don't need me anymore. And it's no good dwelling in the past, I have to live each day Like it was my last. The music's no good without you baby, The music's no good at all. The music's no good without you baby, Come back to me.

regret.nothing.

Day two is now under my belt and thus far the negative effects are mild. I am eating much more, which is a good thing, though I fear my bloat might get out of hand before it all levels out finally. Also, I'm sleepier than usual but that was expected. With all that said, I am pleasantly surprised at how easy this transition has been so far. I realize I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm already happier with the positive effects. Not to mention how much better life is going to be when this is completely behind me. I regret nothing I've ever done and I am glad I lived thru this chapter of my life. I'm very optimistic about what's ahead of me though. I truly think my best years have yet to come! On another note, I miss everything and everyone that has passed thru my life like water to a net. I would give up forever just to spend whatever days I have left basking in Danny's black light. Just the trivial conversations and seemingly meaningless banter kept my light shining bright. I fear I'm dim without him, but he can't be here right now so the universe took him away from me. Again. Like a band aid ripped from a hairy wound without warning. Jesse is also missed. He showed me what it feels like to be loved and to feel sexy. He was meek, yet dark and mysterious. His deep sexy voice and the smell of his cigarettes paired with cologne gave me comfort. But he has also made his exit. With Danny, I think I did all I could do to keep something caged that was far too wild. But with Jesse I fear I took him for granted. Perhaps because of my blind love for my lost soul mate. Whatever the reason, I don't know that I did all I could to keep him. I don't know that I did right by him entirely. I just don't think I understood the reality of his leaving until it was too late. The list of others could keep me writing all night but those two weigh heavy tonight so I'll let my thoughts rest here. Danny and Jesse, you boys are in my heart forever, etched so deep that time could never erode your memory or my love for you. Wherever you are tonight, I pray to the universe that your spirit is hopeful and your heart is warm and that you can feel my love.

bean.buffoonery.

During lunch at work last week I ate three plates of beans, which I know I should not have. When I got home, my boyfriend seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my boyfriend was out the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I let three more go. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my boyfriend returned as he apologized for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and 12 dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday." (by: tasselstine For Aunty Acid)