void.

This morning I woke up feeling a little like my old self. The less than whole self that bleeds out into the universe with my thoughts scattered like ashes across thousands of acres of life; past, present, and that which isn’t guaranteed, tomorrow. My body feels worn and needing a tune up. My spirit has been driven without rotation, exposing the wire beneath the surface that holds me together ever so delicately. My soul aches for those who are hurting from loss. Friends and family alike have experienced great loss that is still reverberating thru the halls of their existence. Naturally, this means I feel the loss also. So I sit here watching the sun creep up on my shoulder, peeking thru the rainclouds as if to remind me that brighter days are just over the hill. The tears in my eyes make it hard to see that far though. Try as I may to climb over this hill and into the light I still find myself stuck in neutral, revving my engine but not making ground. And why do I miss him? He haunts me daily. Some days I hate him with anger that could bring down Jericho’s walls while other days I just miss him. I want to understand why and how he could shut out his best friend. Unconditional love is a dangerous thing, I see now. For when it’s not given in return it could turn a meek saint to a beast that feeds on the innocent at night. Because of his inability to love me I understand he had to go. The universe plucked him from my life so to make room for bigger and better things. The manifestations began to spring up the very day after I pressed the “block” button and sent our time together into a vault to be kept with other memories of my past. Though he had to go so that I may grow it doesn’t help fill the void in me. He left with a large part of my heart. Almost all of it. And now all I can do is pray I will be whole again someday.

so.alive.

I was fortunate enough to wake up to the following text from my boyfriend this morning. He is quite wonderful: "Good morning my love. Just wanted to say that everything about you, hair, eyes, nose, lips, scruffy jaw and chest, smooth stomach, gorgeous penis, hot ass, sexy legs to my least favorite... Yes even your feet are so beautifully perfect in every way for me. I hope you have a grata day at work and know I will think of you all day. I look forward to seeing you everyday. And you make me the happiest man alive. I will always love you and feel loved by you. I'm your in every and you make me feel so alive. See you soon my beautiful babeez. Xoxo Love always -daddy"

you.aren't.there.anymore.

"And I think missing you hurts the most when something funny happens. Because in that one moment I find myself laughing, and within the next second I want to tell or text you what happened. And then it hits me again, every single time, that you aren't there anymore. That I lost the one thing that mattered to me." Elisabeth Van den Abeele

reckless.abandon.

Witnessing yourself evolve without a purposeful effort is like gazing across the void at an old house crawling with builders busy with renovations. I am still surviving this life with the same body I was born to but it’s as if my spirit is watching the modifications thru the eyes of another being. I always loved with reckless abandon. I always trusted as if everyone is as honest as I try to be. At thirty the universe decided to train me like a warrior being readied for battle. Like a rock being polished to be a smooth stone at the hands of waves and sand. I never wanted to be jaded. I loved how big my heart was. But perhaps to do greater things in life I needed to grow tougher skin. Now I’m cautious to everyone’s intent.

almost.lover.

I cannot go to the ocean… I cannot drive the streets at night… I cannot wake up in the morning without you on my mind. So you're gone and I'm haunted. And I bet you are just fine. Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life? Goodbye, my almost lover. Goodbye, my hopeless dream. I'm trying not to think about you, can't you just let me be? So long, my luckless romance, my back is turned on you. Should've known you'd bring me heartache, almost lovers always do.

I don't believe you have to be better than everybody else. I believe you have to be better than you ever thought you could be.

millipede.

(A FACEBOOK POST WRITTEN BY A FRIEND, MATT HARDEN - I APPLAUD HIS WRITING SKILLS): I am a kind and benevolent ruler. Here is just one example as to why. I noticed a millipede in the downstairs bathtub this morning. He was just hanging out, like some false eyelash discarded by Satan. Assuming he could use his grotesque little body to find his way back to hell, I shut the door and went on with my day. Settled at home hours later, I remembered Satan's lash and I grew curious. I went to check on the situation. He was still there. He hadn't moved. My presence d...idn't rouse him. Cautiously, I blew a puff of air at him. Nothing. I thought him dead. With a tissue I prodded him. He was not dead! He was on the tissue and he was fast! I turned and turned and turned that tissue so rapidly in hopes of avoiding whatever he was planning! In an almost stultifying panic I managed to get him to the nearest exit. Sweet mercy! He is gone now and I am saved. If he'd made the slightest contact with my skin, you'd have heard his murder. Or, more likely, my screams before he ended me.