not.the.doctor by Alanis Morissette

I don't wanna be the filler if the void is solely yours. I don't wanna be your glass of single malt whiskey hidden in the bottom drawer and I don't want to be a bandage if the wound is not mine. Lend me some fresh air. I don't wanna be adored for what I merely represent to you and I don't wanna be your babysitter, you're a very big boy now. I don't wanna be your mother, I didn't carry you in my womb for nine months. Show me the back door. Visitin' hours are nine to five and if I show up at ten past six, well I already know that you'd find some way to sneak me in and mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom. You see it's too much to ask for and I am not the doctor.

cosmic.love.

A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes. I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind. The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out. You left me in the dark. No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight in the shadow of your heart. And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat. I tried to find the sound. But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness, so darkness I became. The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out. I took the stars from our eyes, and then I made a map. And knew that somehow I could find my way back. Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too so I stayed in the darkness with you.

useless.facts.

1- The name Cicero in Latin means chickpea (aka garbanzo bean). 2- For the first five years of my schooling I attended a Pentecostal private school where two years in a row I won the "Christian Character Award" for being the most Christ-like of the entire student body. 3- I prefer little to no ice in my beverages. 4- Watching others brush their teeth makes me gag. 5- I brush my teeth with lava hot water.

vacancy.

(02.05.2014) I sit at the starting line like a lump of depressed worn out flesh. I am soon to embark on a journey to what is supposed to be "the mother land," afterall, these are the cities and people that shaped and molded the creature I am now. But it doesn't feel like the promised land. It feels like hell. A past that holds so many painful memories. I keep the trips to hell as infrequent as possible. If I wanted to stab myself in the emotions I would just save the money and treat this Wednesday evening like any other, hunkered in solitude making friends with lonliness and despair. Lonliness visits frequently and makes no matter to whose company I am keeping at present. I will find myself in a loud social gathering, surrounded by smiles and care-free banter, still feeling like I am the only one left of my kind. A single broken soul with a hole so deep that the sands of time could drain it's last drop and I will still have vacancy.

I literally find Dallas gay life to be nauseating. So many rotten pieces of fruit have ruined the entire batch in my opinion.

shiva.

Shiva, the destroyer, shares the divine trinity of Hinduism with Brahma, the creator, and Vishnu, the preserver. Shown here as Nataraja, or supreme dancer, Shiva becomes the supreme deity who at once destroys and creates the universe. Creation is indicated by the drum held in his upper right hand, as sound is the primary manifestation of creative energy. The flaming mandorla and the flame in his upper left hand symbolize the world’s destruction. The “fear not” gesture of his lower right hand offers protection, while his fourth hand, pointing down to his foot, promises salvation. One foot is resting on a dwarf figure, symbolizing the stamping out of ignorance, while the other foot is in a dancing pose that signals the release of souls to an eventual salvation.

01.11.2014

I called "time of death" on my date last night at 8:18pm. Probably would have seemed a bit early to most but would have been nice if my date was there to see my displeasure. A no call, no show? My luck with men is really starting to rank closer to Nicole Brown Simpson and less to the Kardashians like it once did. However, I always try to pull the silver lining out of a scenario and I felt quite accomplished when I awoke this morning spooning a brown bag half full of soy sauce packets and fried wonton remnants. Yes, my diet was shot full of holes by my evil Ambien fueled twin but this is quite a leap from last year's waking up next to an asshole and the years preceding when I would awake next to an empty vodka bottle. Actually, I take that back, I'm sleeping with Grey Goose tonight!