lonely.pill.

Today was peppered with mystical elements and an overall youthful appeal that, simply put, felt magical. Even so, my loneliness could only be kept at bay but for so long. The moments in this lifetime when I truly felt immersed in love and acceptance, forcing loneliness into extended hiatus,have been so few that I struggle to recall each of them. However, I'm almost certain those moments could be counted on both hands. Is the world to blame? Am I to blame? I don't know if I'll ever live in peace, feeling safe in the familiarity of loved ones' embrace, but I hope I'll someday know such a happy existence. Maybe these lonely nights in unsolicited solitude are all part of some lesson I'm unknowingly learning. Meanwhile, I wish I could get comfortable with this state of aloneness, after all, it's arguably my most frequented emotion to date. Yet, to my own dismay, swallowing this pill never gets easier.

I find it refreshing to watch the peers of my youth as we age. Without a cue or even a clue many of us seemingly lighten up as the years go by, becoming more and more gentle with ourselves and others. Where once was petty drama you'll now find a deep level of reverence for something greater than ourselves. Now cognizant of the fragility of our existence on this plain, we speak of energy, positivity and finding one's center. We are in love with the idea of bettering the world around us.

red.

Red is the color of a Friday afternoon.. Heart racing, sweaty palms, laughing with excitement. Red was the color of the curtains.. That draped my childhood eatery. Red was the hair of my favorite queen passed. Red is the hair of my favorite queen living. Red were my eyes when I cried myself to sleep.. My burning heart smoldered as it broke from all the pain. My tear stained anger spat words painted red. The stain on my rug red from all the wine. Red were the strawberries on our warm summer dates. Red was the door you slammed in my face. Red is the hell you left me to live in. So red was the blood that I spilled from your neck.

hurt.

Rarely do others realize how much I hurt. How much they hurt me. I have built a protective shell so strong that I have no idea how to even expose my vulnerability. Only when I'm alone do my soft tears flow. When in the company of another, I probably just seem angry. Anger is the only emotion I know how to act out for the world around me.

Live your life fully. Be yourself truly. Honor and respect all others who are taking this journey with you, wherever they are in the process of fully becoming. Embrace the mystery that has gifted you this awesome opportunity to discover what is finest about yourself and to manifest it. And know, in every moment—no matter what form this life takes—you will be gifted the opportunity to renew your commitment to life…as life, everlasting.

dieself.

I'm dying. In every way possible, I fear. But I don't think it has to be this way. So how does one overcome the enemy that is thyself?

sleep.writing.

In case their is a holy line that we are forced to stand in as we await our next body assignment, I hope I get to stand next to you. So it's important that we leave these bodies one right after the other or at the same time, if possible.

disco.tent.

I took this week off from work, as it adjoined the long holiday break, in an effort to unwind my brain and find some inner peace. I was hopeful that I would return to my daily routine next week with renewed vigor and perhaps even an inspired plan for my future. Much to my surprise and dismay, this week has not unfolded in such a way, and I'm actually feeling more confused and discontent than before.